


The Laughing Heart

by smile_it_will_get_better



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Brotherly Affection, Brotherly Angst, Brotherly Love, Canonical Character Death, Character Study, F/M, First War with Voldemort, Ghost Regulus Black, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Murder, POV Regulus Black, Regulus Black Deserves Better, Regulus Black Dies, Regulus Black Feels, Regulus Black-centric, Self-Acceptance, Self-Hatred, Sibling Bonding, Sirius Black is a Good Brother, Suicidal Thoughts, Torture, Walburga Black Bashing, Walburga Black's A+ Parenting, Young Regulus Black, Young Sirius Black
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:06:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 30,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22039033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smile_it_will_get_better/pseuds/smile_it_will_get_better
Summary: String after string snapped and no matter how many times Regulus tried to tie them back together, the two of them drifted apart, and their mother picked up the remaining strings, tugging them along in her narrative, and it didn’t take long before Regulus learned that it was their mother who pulled the strings, not them....Ghosts in this universe work how I want them too, and that changes a lot.
Relationships: Regulus Black & Sirius Black, Regulus Black/Original Character(s), Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 47
Kudos: 326





	The Laughing Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I love Regulus Black and decided to write a story about him. Mostly about him and Sirius, but also just focusing a lot about his own inner struggle against morals. But also I changed the ending cause I wanted happiness.

> your life is your life  
>  don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.  
>  be on the watch.  
>  there are ways out.  
>  there is light somewhere.  
>  it may not be much light but  
>  it beats the darkness.  
>  be on the watch.  
>  the gods will offer you chances.  
>  know them.  
>  take them.  
>  you can’t beat death but  
>  you can beat death in life, sometimes.  
>  and the more often you learn to do it,  
>  the more light there will be.  
>  your life is your life.  
>  know it while you have it.  
>  you are marvelous  
>  the gods wait to delight  
>  in you.
> 
> _-Charlies Bukowski ___

_  
___  


__

__When Regulus Black was four years old, he had already begun reading the Greek myths. He could read in both English and Greek, along with Latin and French, and he was in the middle of learning German as well._ _

__He chose to use those gifts by reading as many Greek myths as he could, pouring over them thousands of times and committing it to memory. He loved the stories where the heroes won, but more often than not his parents gave him the tragedies, the ones where the hero suffers, the ones where they are brutally punished for any uprising against the gods._ _

__“This is what happens when you don’t follow the rules,” His mother cooed into his ear as she showed him a picture of Prometheus chained to a rock, his face twisted in agony as a bird dug into his skin. Regulus had taken that photo and pinned it up against the wall, staring at his twisted face whenever he fell asleep._ _

__So when Sirius got screamed at for refusing to do his schoolwork, Regulus sat in his room and stared at the photo, only it was Sirius’s face instead of Prometheus._ _

__Prometheus went against the gods to give his creation what they deserved, and for his crimes he was punished, sentenced to an eternity of blinding pain. There was no freedom, no mercy, no nothing._ _

__Next time he didn’t feel like doing his work, he remembered the photo and put his quill to paper, remembering his older brother's cries whenever he got punished. It sounded like how he envisions Prometheus’s cries sounded._ _

________________________________________________ _

__“Stand up straight,” Walburga hissed at him, her hand curled tightly around his arm. He wasn’t sure how much straighter he could stand. He even raised himself on his tippy toes a bit so he would appear taller. Sirius snickered at him, before stopping at seeing the glare their mother sent his way. Both boys glanced at each other, shy smiles on their lips._ _

__They were out in public, waiting for their father to finish up on business, and that meant that his brother, his mother, and him all had to act the part of the regal and important family. His father was talking to someone, they looked important, so Regulus probably should have been paying attention, but something else had caught his eyes._ _

__Flying through the air was a paper bird, singing their song into the bright blue sky. His mother had tugged Sirius over to meet whoever they were talking to, leaving Regulus along for the moment. The little bird looked down at him, tweeting joyfully before flying a few feet ahead, landing on a shop window and looking back at him as if to ask if he was coming or not._ _

__Regulus walked towards the bird, following it down the street. It led him a couple feet down the alleyway, before it landed on a vendor tucked away in the corner of the street, an older woman running it._ _

__“Hello there,” She cooed, smiling with broken and yellowing teeth. Regulus tried not to finch away in disgust. “Would you like to look at my things little boy? I have everything you might want, charms, potions, I may even be willing to sell you my little birdie if you want.”_ _

__Regulus knew he should go back to his mothers’ side, but the lady did have some really cool things on her table. He could see charms made out of various materials, little things to hang around your room that help keep magical animals away, and the little paper bird hopping around, tweeting sweetly at him._ _

__He reaches forwards, wiggling his fingers towards the bird, who hops closer at playfully nips at his fingers, Regulus giggles, and he wishes he could be as carefree and happy as this bird. The bird had no cage, no obligations to stay, and yet it chose to lead him back to where he came from._ _

__“You like the bird, eh?” The lady said with a grin. It was a lot less scary now for some reason. “How about I let you have him for free? He seems to like you.”_ _

__“Really?” Regulus says, eyes wide with happiness. He held out his hand, the little bird hopping onto it, leaning down to nuzzle its paper head against his skin. It was a weird feeling, the rough paper against his soft skin, little slices in the paper to mimic feathers, but Regulus didn’t really mind. “Thank you so much Miss!”_ _

__The bird tweets happily, and the woman grins at him toothily, and for a second Regulus felt free. He felt like a bird without a cage, able to fly down the sweets with nothing but air under his paper-thin wings._ _

__“Regulus Arcturus Black,” His mothers hissing voice startled him, and he filched back, turning with wide eyes to face her. Her face was like stone, eyes flashing with anger. Sirius stood by her side; an apologetic look on her face. “What are you doing?”_ _

__“I was just-“ He started, but his mom reached out, grabbing his arm roughly, pulling him closer._ _

__“I told you to stay by my side,” She hissed, her eyes suddenly catching on the paper bird still resting on his shoulder. “What is that?”_ _

__“A bird,” He says softly. “This woman gave him to me and-“_ _

__He was cut off by his mother’s hand reaching down and grabbing the little bird, crumpling it up into a ball._ _

__“You will not be in possession of cheap little tricks done to mock the complexities of magic,” She sniffed, pulling him away from the stand, the little bird lying on the ground, unmoving._ _

__Paper wings were nice to have while they lasted, but fragility was a weakness, the scars Regulus gained from that night were a proven fact to that._ _

_________________________________________ _

__“It wasn’t his fault!” Sirius screamed at their mother, Regulus covering behind him, because he was never as brave as Sirius was, and when his mother started screaming he hid like always. “He didn’t mean to.”_ _

__“Step aside Sirius,” Walburga said with a dull voice, her wand in her hand. “He needs to learn his lesson.”_ _

__Regulus didn’t mean to make her mad, he was just tired and frustrated and he didn’t mean to snap at her but he did. Right in front of their dinner guests as well. And now he had to pay for it._ _

__Punishment was easy in this house, either you got a simple slap to the face, or you got hexed. There were no other options, no simple reprimand, no going to your room or sitting in the corner. Punishment was swift and severe._ _

__Regulus should just man up and accept it, because how could he be a good son if he didn’t? This was for him to learn. And yet he was frozen in place behind his older brother, cowering like the scared little child that he was._ _

__Sirius stood strong in front of him, head held high with defiance in his eyes. This was a common occurrence lately. Sirius was just starting to grow his rebellious bone, and Regulus kind of hated it. He hated seeing Sirius come into their room with tears streaking down his cheeks and bruises on his arms and back. He hated watching his brother fight with his parents. He hated seeing the brief flashes of hate in his brother’s eyes whenever his mother compared the two of them together._ _

__The worst part of Regulus’s life was when he did something good, and instead of praising him his mother just used it to put Sirius down. He could feel the rift growing between him and his brother, and yet here Sirius was, willing to take their mother's anger for him._ _

__“Move before I make you,” Walburga said, her voice a dark promise, and Regulus grabbed onto Sirius’s arm, practically begging him just to move. He didn’t want to patch him up again. And yet Sirius shook him off, standing tall against his mother despite being only eight years old._ _

__“No,” Sirius said._ _

__It didn’t last._ _

__Later that night, the two of them lay in the darkness of their room, Sirius sore and pretending like he wasn’t, Regulus still crying from the harsh words his mother used on him, neither sure how to break the silence between them._ _

__Regulus was drowning in guilt. Sirius was hurt again, and it was his fault. Why couldn’t he just own up and take his punishment instead of cowering like a wimp? How could he call himself a Black if he couldn’t even be brave enough to endure the punishment he deserved without hurting those around him?_ _

__He came from an important family; he knew that much. He had a reputation he needed to maintain, because they were the best of the best. He needed to learn how to accept what was given to him, accept how to face his mother with bravery and grace of those before him._ _

__If he didn’t, he would end up like Sirius, hurt and in pain for no reason. He would end up like Prometheus, chained to a rock being brutally punished. He would end up like that paper bird, crushed under the hands of his mother, no longer able to fly, to live._ _

__“Siri?” He asked after a long moment, unable to stop the tears running down his cheeks. His arm was sore from where his mother grabbed it, his head pounding from the volume of the screams and the tears that had run from his eyes._ _

__“Yeah Reg?” Came the response from the dark._ _

__“I’m sorry,” He said, his voice cracking as he curled up deeper into himself. He was sorry for being such a bad brother that he got Sirius hurt, sorry that he was bad enough to deserve punishment in the first place, sorry for being such a crybaby, sorry for existing._ _

__Next thing he knew, Sirius was by his bed, pushing him over a bit to clamber into bed with him, wrapping around Regulus like a spider monkey._ _

__“What are you doing?” Regulus asked, a bit panicked. “Mom will kill us if she finds out.”_ _

__“She won't,” Sirius promised. “You know I’ll always protect you, right Reg?_ _

__“You shouldn’t have to,” Regulus sniffed. “It gets you hurt.”_ _

__“I don’t care about that. I’m always going to protect you, no matter what. Understand?”_ _

__“Yeah,” Regulus sighed, snuggling deeper into his older brothers’ warmth._ _

__“Good,” Sirius said, and Regulus could hear the smile in his voice “Now go to sleep Reg, I’ll be here when you wake up.”_ _

__Sirius was the rebellious one out of the two of them, so Regulus accepted the command without complaint, snuggling deeper into the embrace of his older brother. For a minute, he forgot the pain, the sorrow, the shame. By the time he remembered it again, he was long asleep._ _

___________________________________ _

__

__“There’s the star you were named after,” Regulus pointed out to Sirius one night, while they stood on the balcony to their room, staring up at the stars. “It looks funny.”_ _

__“You look funny,” Sirius grumbled, pushing Regulus slightly as he giggled. “There’s your star too, it just looks weird.”_ _

__“Not as weird as you,” Regulus said cheekily, giggling again at the noise of protest his brother gave. He snuggled closer to his brother, leaning into his warmth and sighing in content. It was rare they had night like this, calm and peaceful, without the oppressing weight of their parents hanging over their shoulders at all times._ _

__“Hey Reg,” Sirius said, breaking the silence. “Watch what I can do.”_ _

__A few seconds later, a few of the rocks and pebbles on their balcony started to float wobblily through the air._ _

__“Woah,” Regulus said in wonder. He had started accidental magic a few years back too, but mostly it was short bursts when he was emotional, not anything cool like what Sirius was doing. “That’s so cool.”_ _

__Magic had always fascinated him. He had studied the books in his fathers’ study multiple times, pouring over the old spells and charms that one day he would learn to use. Whenever he could he would find books lying around about magic, pouring over them age by page until he had committed them to memory._ _

__“I know!” Sirius said, pride shining in his voice. “Just wait until you see what I can do when I get my wand.”_ _

__“You’re going to be the best wizard in the world,” Regulus laughed, because he was young and he could indulge in fantasies like those._ _

__“I better be,” Sirius said, his voice dropping slightly. “Maybe then our parents would be proud of me.”_ _

__“They’re proud of you,” Regulus said, although he knew it was a lie. The rift between Sirius and their parents had only grown with the passing years. Occasional fights turned into weekly fights, until everything Sirius did annoyed them. He had started to grow out his hair, despite his mom’s harsh haircuts every time he did. Regulus wished he would just do what they said for once in his life. It would make everything so much easier._ _

__He hated seeing Sirius hurt. And he hated hearing them yell too. It was almost a nightly occurrence now, and every single family dinner was an exercise of restraint between them all. Every time a fight broke out Regulus wanted to curl up into himself, wanted to disappear into a ball. His brother simply didn’t understand that it would be so much easier to just listen, to accept it. He wouldn’t get hurt as much if he did._ _

__“Don’t lie to me Reg,” Sirius scolded, before his voice went up in a clear mockery of their mother. “Didn’t you know lying is a sin? Don’t disgrace the family name Regulus! Or else the dementors will have a pretty kiss for you!”_ _

__Sirius swopped towards him, making kissing noises and tickling him as Regulus protested, batting his hands away as the uncontrollable laughter took over. His moms most recent threat were dementors, and as much as they absolutely terrified Regulus, they were more fairy tale creatures than anything._ _

__The two of them sat back again, still giggling as they stared up at the stars._ _

__________________________________ _

__“Master Regulus shouldn’t be up this late,” Kreacher scolded him softly, standing in the dim lighting of the door. Downstairs, he could still hear the faint screaming voices of his parents and Sirius. He wasn’t even sure of the cause of this fight._ _

__“Sorry,” Regulus sniffed, wiping away the tears running down his cheeks. Unlike Sirius, who had gotten better at hiding his emotions behind cutting smirks and comebacks, Regulus had never been able to figure out quite how to hide his emotions._ _

__“What troubles you?” Kreacher said hesitantly, almost like he wasn’t sure if he could. But Regulus trusted Kreacher with his whole being, as crabby and mean as he could sometimes be. He was probably Regulus’s closest friend, other than Sirius of course._ _

__“I hate when they fight,” Regulus whispered, because he knew he wasn’t allowed to say that. But he knew Kreacher would never tell his mom, not unless she ordered him to. “I hate when they yell. Why can’t they just get along?”_ _

__“I do not know Master Regulus.”_ _

__“Can you read to me?” Regulus asked, knowing he needed some form of distraction._ _

__“Master Regulus needs to be in bed,” Kreacher started._ _

__“Please?” Regulus asked, even though he knew he could force Kreacher to do quite easily. He knew Kreacher would anyways._ _

__“What book do you have this time?” Kreacher said with a resigned sigh._ _

__“You can’t tell mom,” Regulus ordered, and Kreacher immediately nodded. Vibrating with excitement, Regulus hopped off his bed, falling to the ground and reaching under towards the box he kept under his bed. He pulled out the book that rested on the top. He had stolen it from the library while out one day, sneaking easily past the workers._ _

__“It’s a poem,” Regulus whispers, as if Kreacher didn’t already know it. It was by one of his favorite wizard poets. Not that he knew any non-wizard poets. His parents didn’t allow any mudblood litature in their house, it was beneath them. His parents didn’t like this poem, and his mother slapped him when he recited a line from it. But it was his favorite. Charles Bukowski, one of his most famous ones._ _

__“Your life is your life,” Kreacher starts in his soft rasp, and Regulus closes his eyes in contentment._ _

__He didn’t know who Bukowski was, had never met the wizard, but Regulus knew this poem like an old friend, and every time he heard the soft words he felt them bounce around his bones, as if they knew him too._ _

_____________________________________________ _

__Sometimes, Regulus thinks his brother hates him._ _

__Every time Regulus does something right, Sirius glares at him like Regulus stabbed him in the back. But it wasn’t really Regulus’s fault, right?_ _

__Languages came easily, as well as reading and writing. It wasn’t Regulus’s fault that Sirius put no thought or effort into completing his work. It wasn’t Regulus’s fault that their parents cared more about Sirius than they did him._ _

__Every time Sirius did anything remotely good, his parents would be flooding him with praise, talking about how wonderful he was, how he was carrying on their legacy, how he would make the Black name proud._ _

__Every time Regulus got outstanding on his tests, or did anything right, all he would get was a tight nod from them. A hum of approval as they look over their work, barely sparing a glance for him. Getting any ounce of praise or love in the Black family was next to impossible, and Regulus find himself craving it more than anything. But the more he wanted, the less his parents seemed inclined to give it to him._ _

__But when Sirius fails, suddenly they remember they have another son. Suddenly, Regulus can do no wrong. It’s always, ‘be more like Regulus Sirius’, and ‘why couldn’t Regulus have been our eldest?’._ _

__The prise brings him no joy, because it’s always accompanied with a hot glare from his brother, a deep-seated betrayal that Regulus had no piece in committing, his only crime being existing at the wrong time._ _

__So one day he decided he had enough. He was tired of only existing when his parents wanted him too, he was tired of only being a tool against his brother, he was tired of only existing when his brother was failing._ _

__So the next time he had a test at school, despite already knowing most of the answers and could have passed perfectly, Regulus made sure he failed._ _

__He marched into his father’s study, test with a big red F at the top and he slammed it down on the desk, vibrating with energy and bravery he only had when he was nine years old._ _

__His father doesn’t even look at the paper._ _

__“Sir,” Regulus says meekly, because even when he wanted to prove that he could fail to, Sirius wasn’t the only failure in the family and they needed to stop expecting him to be, the deep-seated respect for his parents remains. “My test results.”_ _

__“Yes, yes,” Orion Black says, still not looking up. “Very good, leave now.”_ _

__“I want you to look at my results,” Regulus demands, his voice strong despite all parts of his soul begging him to _run_. _ _

__His father lifts his eyes, not used to such disobedience from his one son. Slowly, he reached down and picks up the test, his face blank as he reads it._ _

__“Kreacher,” He speaks into the air, and suddenly the elf is there. “Get Walburga and bring her here.”_ _

__Kreacher is gone without a glance at Regulus, and he wonders if its because he knows what’s to come. Regulus knows it too, but he tells himself to be brave like Sirius._ _

__His father and him sit in silence, the ticking of the clock behind them the only noise. Regulus stares ahead, telling himself to be brave, that this would help, that his parents would now stop using him against Sirius because Regulus was far from perfect too._ _

__His mother sweeps in moments later._ _

__“What is the meaning of this?” She asks, her voice cold._ _

__“Your sons results,” Orion says, standing up and handing the paper to his wife. She looks over it, her eyes darkening with anger._ _

__“What in the world is this?” She hissed, turning around to him. “What do you have to say for yourself?”_ _

__“I failed the test,” He said, his voice wavering despite himself._ _

__“I see,” She replied coolly. “Are you not a Black, Regulus?”_ _

__“I am,” He said, confused._ _

__“Blacks do not fail,” She hisses. “Is this what you want our family to be known for? Is this the reputation you want us to hold?” Her voice rising in volume. “Things like this is what gets you kicked out of a family!”_ _

__With that she lashed forwards, her hand lashing out and slapping him clean across the cheek, her ring digging into his skin and raising blood to the surface. He keeps the whimper in, knowing that if he made a sound, it would get worse._ _

__She had only hit him once in his life before this, and never so hard. Normally, when he ever stepped out of line she would only yell, berate him, guilt him. Hitting and spells were deserved for Sirius when he acted out. Regulus wondered why Sirius ever acted out if it hurt this much every time._ _

__“Is that what you want?” She was screaming now, anger burning in every word and Regulus tried not to cry. “You want to make a fool out of us? Make the Black family a laughing stock?”_ _

__“No mother,” He whispered, shame tickling his eyes. Her hands wrapped around his arm, pulling him close. Her nails dug into his skin, and he knew there would be finger print shaped bruises littering his arms for the next few days. “I’m sorry mother.”_ _

__“You better be,” She warned, letting go of his arm and slapping him once more across the other cheek, matching thin cuts on either cheek. “If this happens again, I will do a lot more than slap you. You need to be better Regulus, unless you want to know what it’s like to be out in the cold.”_ _

__He nodded, leaving the study quickly and he wished that Sirius was here to hold him tightly and kiss away the tears and tell him how proud he was. But Sirius wasn’t here. The cuts on his cheeks continued to bleed._ _

__The next time he came home from a test, he was a perfect hundred percent. His parents rubbed it in Sirius’s face for a week, and Regulus could still feel the phantom sting of his mother’s hands against his cheek._ _

__________________________ _

__Regulus had read a story about people being connected by a string. Of course, it was a reference to true love, soulmates who were undeniably connected to you since the day you were born._ _

__But Regulus never believed in soulmates, the idea of love was a distant concept. It was reserved for fairytales, stories of fiction his parents rarely let him read. He wasn’t destined to find his soulmate, to find his one true match. He was destined to marry a pureblooded witch of a high family status, to have kids and carry on the line, even if he wasn’t propper heir._ _

__For him, he images strings connecting Sirius and him._ _

__To Regulus, it was the two of them against the world, him and his brother facing everything. There would be no true love for him, but he had his brother, so maybe Regulus could stand marrying a witch his parents chose for him._ _

__Another alteration he made to the story was that he didn’t imagine a single string. He felt it was more realistic to imagine many, thousands of thin strings connecting the two of them._ _

__It was a relief sometimes, to spend time with his brother and imagine that every part of them would be connected forever, never parting. It was relieving to imagine that Sirius would always be with him, no matter what._ _

__But sometimes those strings snapped._ _

__They snapped whenever their Mother talked about how perfect Regulus was, they snapped whenever Regulus bit his tongue out of fear whenever Sirius was getting in trouble, they snapped every time Sirius got a slap across the cheek and Regulus was allowed to simply stand there, saying nothing, watching with only slightly teary eyes. They snapped whenever Sirius had a bruise on his cheek and Regulus stood there with unmarred skin, the only pain he felt was from the longing to have matching bruises, because maybe then the strings wouldn’t break._ _

__String after string snapped and no matter how many times Regulus tried to tie them back together, the two of them drifted apart, and their mother picked up the remaining strings, tugging them along in her narrative, and it didn’t take long before Regulus learned that it was their mother who pulled the strings, not them._ _

____________________________________________________ _

__“Regulus!” His brother practically yells, bounding down the hall towards him. “Reg! I got my letter!”_ _

__“Your Hogwarts letter?” Regulus asks, eyes shining because he had heard countless stories of the school, had dreamed and waited for the day he would get to go himself._ _

__“Yeah!” Sirius says, grinning as he shoves it at his brother, eyes alight with joy. “Look at it!”_ _

__“That’s a lot of things you need,” Regulus hums, reading over the list. “You don’t have much longer before you have to go.”_ _

__“I can’t wait,” Sirius says, sitting on the ground beside him. “I’m going to get out of this bloody house and meet new people and learn how to cast magic and it’s going to be amazing!”_ _

__Regulus can’t help the sinking feeling in his gut. He folds us the paper up and puts it back on the ground beside his brother, looking away to help conceal the inner torment he was sure was shining in his eyes. Sirius knows him too well for that._ _

__“Hey,” He says gently, the joy fading. “What’s wrong?”_ _

__“You’re leaving me here,” Regulus stated, because he never quite learned to keep anything from his brother quite yet. “You are going to go and meet people better than me, and forget about me and everything is going to change.”_ _

__He’s happy for his brother, he really is. But the thought of staying in his house all alone with his parents almost feels like a death sentence._ _

__“None of that,” Sirius scoffs. “I could never find someone better than you Reggie, you’re my brother. Me going to Hogwarts isn’t going to change that.”_ _

__“Are you sure?”_ _

__“Positive. Besides, you’ll be there next year too, and then we will see each other every day without mother and father around, and you can read all the books you want, and I can practice spells and it’ll be everything we had ever wanted.”_ _

__“You think?” Regulus said, looking over to his older brother and he couldn’t help but feel a small spark of hope light in his chest._ _

__“I promise you,” Sirius said, holding out a hand. Regulus gladly shook it, sealing the deal between them. “Now, I should go tell mother, she’s going to be so happy.”_ _

__With that his brother was off, bounding towards the door in the childlike joy that Regulus wished he also possessed._ _

_____________________________________ _

__Sirius got sorted into Gryffindor, and yet he wasn’t around to bear the brunt of his mother rage._ _

__“Gryffindor?” She hissed, picking up a vase and smashing it against the wall. “Gryffindor?”_ _

__Regulus stood in the corner of the study, knowing he wasn’t allowed to leave without his mother’s permission. The fear held him in place._ _

__“He is a disgrace to this family,” She continued, turning to Regulus as if he was the reason his brother got sorted into Gryffindor of all things. A part of him doesn’t understand why it’s so bad. Gryffindor’s were brave, and Sirius was the bravest person Regulus knew. Gryffindor’s weren’t all that bad either, he had read about the great Godric Gryffindor, and he was as much as a hero as anyone else._ _

__But at the same time a part of him that sounded a lot like his mother’s voice screamed how wrong it was. The Black family were Slytherins, no exceptions. They were raised from birth to fit the traits, and the idea that one of them had defied the rules? That they had broken them so easily? It was a direct attack to everything Regulus was taught as a child._ _

__“A Black being in Gryffindor?” She screamed at him, stalking closer and her wand was drawn and he felt the fear race through him as easily as any other feeling. It was the most familiar feeling he knew. “Despicable, unthinkable, the little traitor did it to spite me I know it.”_ _

__She was close to him know; her wand pointed in his face. He feared what she might do with it._ _

__“You won’t do the same will you Regulus?” She asks, her voice suddenly very worn. He could see how old she was int the way she held herself. “You won’t let me down? You won’t break my heart?”_ _

__“Of course not Mother,” He says, because he won't. The idea of being anything other than what she molded him into was inconceivable. He wasn’t like Sirius, he never knew how to be brave enough to stand up to her, to fight back, to be strong. The idea of becoming something other than a Slytherin, the idea of hurting his mother like this, he couldn’t imagine it. She had raised him, she loved him, loved him enough to teach him the right and wrongs of the world, to punish him so he could become the perfect son for her._ _

__His mother sobbed and threw herself into his arms, and he hugged her as tightly as he could and for the first time in his life, he kind of resented his brother._ _

________________________________________ _

__Regulus sits with Kreacher in the kitchens, and the house-elf is teaching him how to cook. His parents are gone, and it’s a good thing, because if they weren’t Regulus would probably be sobbing in his bed right now with a new bruise on his cheek, and Kreacher would have to repress the screams and take the punishment his masters gave him for teaching their son such lowly things._ _

__But Regulus is having fun, using his hands to knead the dough under his hands. He is used to others doing this for him, to others doing everything for him. It’s fun, he finds. To be able to do things for himself, to have Kreacher teach him all the things he had never known how to do._ _

__Kreacher had always been his biggest source of information, even bigger than the books he read. Regulus was fascinated by the complexities of the magic he had, and Kreacher was overjoyed to amuse him by explaining every little detail._ _

__Kreacher was his best friend. Kreacher didn’t like Sirius, sometimes Regulus wondered why._ _

__Was it because Sirius was a Gryffindor? Was it because Sirius fought with his parents too much? Was it because Kreacher knew something that Regulus didn’t? It was the only question that Kreacher never answered._ _

______________________________________ _

__Sirius came home for Christmas break with the largest smile on his face. It was the happiest Regulus had ever seen his brother. A part of Regulus resents him because it was not Regulus who put that joy into him._ _

__“His name is James,” Sirius tells him once they went to bed, the secrets whispered into the dark like they were young kids again. “And there’s Remus too. You would love them, they’re wonderful.”_ _

__“I’m happy for you,” Regulus says, and the words taste like ash on his lips._ _

________________________________________ _

__It’s Sirius’s last night at home before he’s back to Hogwarts, and Regulus doesn’t want him to go. In fact, he’s close to getting down on his knees and begging his brother to stay with him. But Sirius’s bag is packed, and he can’t stop talking about how excited he is to go back and see what his friends got for Christmas._ _

__They don’t celebrate Christmas in their house, they never had. In fact, Regulus had no idea what Christmas was until a year ago, when he read it in one of Father’s books._ _

__The tension in the house is terrible. Mother and Sirius had barely talked the entire time Sirius was home, his mother still feeling bitter about the sorting. It didn’t help that Sirius chose to wear red and gold ties around the house whenever he could, practically rubbing it in their face._ _

__The last night Sirius was at home, they fight again. Regulus is impressed with how long they lasted. They had waited until the last minute for it, and Regulus was surprised to say the least. He was sure they would have broken within the first few days._ _

__“How dare you!” His mother screams, and Regulus pretends not to hear it. Instead, he continued to read his poem, the words he read all those years ago still embedded into his mind._ _

__“There is light somewhere,” He whispers into the darkroom. “It may not be much light but-“_ _

__He is cut off by the sound of a plate shattering, and he managed to repress the flinch. He had grown used to it now. Ever since Sirius left, ever since the protection his brother gave faded away, he had learned the true force of his parent’s fury. It was easier now not to flinch, not to cry, not to let his voice waver. The weaknesses that used to be his downfall, now something he had tucked far away._ _

__“I hate you!” Sirius screams. “I hate this family!”_ _

__There is the noise of skin hitting skin, and then suddenly Sirius is storming upstairs, the door to their room slamming open as his brother flew in like a tornado._ _

__Regulus had carefully noted the differences in his brother ever since he left for school. His brother was always outspoken, always defying his parents, but there was restraint to it. Now he was wild, talking about things that you didn’t talk about. Saying how his friend was a half-blood and how Sirius was proud to know him, that he didn’t care that he had muggle blood running through his veins. Regulus had noticed the glint in Sirius’s eyes that was never there before._ _

__“Oh look, you’re reading your stupid book and pretending we are a perfect family once again,” Sirius snapped at him. Another new development, apparently Regulus was now lumped in with his family as well. “Big surprise.”_ _

__Regulus keeps reading, and he prided himself on how the tears he desperately wanted to shed did not shine in his eyes._ _

__“You are just as bad as them!” Sirius screams. “You don’t give a shit about me either! Your content to sit to the side and be their perfect little son! Well, screw you Regulus!”_ _

__Sirius storms onto the balcony, slamming the door and Regulus lets his eyes flutter shut, tears burning at the back of his eyelids._ _

__“It may not be much light,” he whispers to himself, his voice cracking because even if he is getting better at controlling it, he is still only ten years old and scared. “But it beats the darkness.”_ _

__Sirius comes in later when Regulus is in bed, and he climbs in beside him, holding Regulus tight and apologizing tearfully, begging for forgiveness in the dead of night. Regulus doesn’t hesitate to give it to him._ _

__________________________________ _

__“Regulus dear,” His mother called from downstairs. “Come here.”_ _

__Regulus sighed softly, putting down his book and stole a glance in the mirror, straightening his robes and running a hand through his hair in order to attempt to sooth down his messy appearance. He held his head high as he walked downstairs, to where his mother was standing with a family he only vaguely recognized._ _

__He rummaged in his mind, coming up with the name Rosier, he had met them at the last years New Years party. The parents were stern but polite, gazing at him with slightly judgemental eyes as he walked into the room. They had two kids two, a girl around his age and a boy maybe a couple years older._ _

__“Regulus, this is Florence Rosier, she’s about your age,” His mother said, pushing him slightly towards her._ _

__“Hello,” Regulus said, offering her his hand. She smiled at him, shaking it firmly._ _

__She was pretty, he could admit that. She had pretty blonde curls that sat in perfect ringlets around her head, sweet brown eyes and full lips. She looked like one of the models on those horrid posters Sirius brought home._ _

__“It’s very nice to meet you,” She said, and Regulus forced himself to smile at her._ _

__He knew why she was here, why his mother had introduced them._ _

__The feeling of helplessness overcame him quickly, and he pushed it down as fast as he could, not letting it show to anyone in the room._ _

__He was expected to marry this girl, to have kids with this girl. Merlin, he was only ten years old, he didn’t want to be thinking about things like this._ _

__But he knew it was inevitable, that there was a ticking clock counting down above him at all times. His life was planned out for him the second he was born. He would go to Hogwarts, be in Slytherin, marry this girl, have as many children as needed, and live a dreary boring life filled with regrets and the absence of love._ _

__The family left an hour of pleasentaries after, and his mother pulled him aside._ _

__“You know why I do this don’t you?” She asked. Regulus only nodded in response. “Your brother gets worse every year, that horrid school poisoning his brain. I would pull him out if the tabloids would go insane. But every single day he is heading closer and closer to being disowned, you understand that right?”_ _

__“Yes mother,” He whispered, and he wondered when this had happened, when his parents had decided that Sirius was a lost cause. “Of course I do.”_ _

__“Good. You were always the better son, the one I knew I could trust,” She said, and Regulus hated how the praise made his chest warm. “Your brother is a disappointment to the Black family name, but you Regulus, you are the heir I always wanted.”_ _

__She leaned down, pressing a kiss to his forehead. Her lips were dry and chapped._ _

________________________________________ _

__The next year, Regulus goes to Hogwarts himself._ _

__Sirius squeezes his hand as they both run through the pillar leading towards platform 9 ¾, and as soon as they’re through Sirius pulls him into a hug and runs the other way, yelling the three boys’ names that Regulus knows._ _

__A lot had happened in the year since Sirius had first gone to Hogwarts, and Regulus wondered if it would change more._ _

__His mothers’ hand is on his shoulder, and he remembers the way it felt as she slapped him over and over again last night, making him promise to behave, to live up to their family name, to make her proud. Every aching inch of his skin reminds him of that obligation._ _

__He steps onto the train and he sits in an empty cabin beside a girl with hair as bright as fire and a boy with greasy black hair and shifty eyes. Both of them a year older than him._ _

__The girl introduces herself as a mudblood, and suddenly Regulus’s world shifts. He isn’t supposed to like her-_ _

__But she treats him with such kindness._ _

__She is a muggleborn, below him, a disgrace to the wizarding community-_ _

__And yet when she smiles he only wants to know her better._ _

__He changes seats halfway through the ride, his mother's voice raising too prominently in his ear._ _

__The ride to Hogwarts is a blur, and before he is standing in line with a bunch of other scared first years, waiting to be judged by the Sorting hat._ _

__He could see Sirius sitting at the Gryffindor table, smiling and hollering every time the hat calls out their house. He sits beside a boy with shaggy brown hair, James Potter, a boy with scars who has a timid smile and twinkling eyes, Remus Lupin, and another boy who cheers just as loudly as the others, although he keeps looking at everyone else as if to make sure he’s doing it right, Peter Pettigrew._ _

__Regulus is called up to the hat._ _

__He sits on the stool, nerves buzzing through him as one of the teachers lowers it onto his head._ _

__“Well, well,” A voice calls out in his head. “What do we have here? Another Black eh?”_ _

__He stays still, unsure of what he should be doing at this time._ _

__“You have wisdom hidden in your mind,” The hat grunts. “Lots of it. Quick as a dart, Ravenclaw would be a good fit.”_ _

__“No!” Regulus thinks, urgency rushing through him._ _

__He thinks of his mother sobbing in his arms, begging him to follow tradition, to not break her heart. He thinks of his parent’s business partners, who all stared at him with dead everywhere whenever he went, whispering how he was the brother of a Gryffindor, how he too may betray the Black name._ _

__“No eh?” The hat says. “You want Slytherin, why?”_ _

__“My mom will kill me if I’m not,” The thought comes before he could stop it, and the hat hums in understanding._ _

__“You will find friends in Ravenclaw,” The hat warns. “Allies, people who you could learn from there. But you are cunning too, sly, you are the Black’s boy through and through. Slytherin will benefit you as well. If Slytherin is what you want, Slytherin is what I will give you.”_ _

__He thinks of his mother’s face, the ideas she pushed onto him throughout his life. Could he truly be her son if he was in Ravenclaw? Would she love him if he wasn’t Slytherin? The answer was obvious._ _

__“I want Slytherin,” He thinks._ _

__The hat calls it out._ _

__His eyes lock with Sirius’s, and he ignores the look of what may have been disgust on his brother's face. He ducks his head and wanders towards the house of green, sitting among the Slytherins who slap his back and welcome him to his new home._ _

__It feels like he’s back with his Mother and Father all over again._ _

_______________________________ _

__The first time he reads a book by a muggle is because someone left it out in the common room, and despite himself, Regulus was still too curious for his own good._ _

__It was a book by Oscar Wilde, and in the pages Regulus found a world more magical than the one he currently resided in._ _

__Next thing he knew, he was taking out various muggle books from the library every night, sitting in the chairs tucked away from sight so no one could see him. If anyone found out what he was doing, if they reported if back to his parents, he was as good as dead._ _

__In Shakespeare’s tragedies he found heroes with a fatal flaw they could never recover from. In George Orwell he found rebellion. In the pages of Frost's poems he found hope._ _

__He hides his finding and a small part of him chastises himself for enjoying muggle work when they are so far below someone like him. A larger part of him wonders how something so wonderful could be so bad._ _

______________________________________________ _

__During Spring break, Sirius and him sneak into the library late at night, and Sirius tells Regulus everything he learned._ _

__Regulus had taken to school easily, acing all his classes with supernatural ease. He wasn’t sure if he had any friends, but he knew many people. He spent time with his roommates, and his cousins, but other than that, there was no one he could truly call a friend._ _

__He barely spent time with Sirius, his brother too busy with his new friends to bother with his little Slytherin brother. But Regulus pushed that out of his mind, because he had Sirius now, and Sirius was laughing with him and telling jokes and it was just like how it was when he was young._ _

__He had his brother by his side, his parents were proud of his outstanding marks and his Slytherin tie, and even though tension lies thick at the table, Regulus was happy. He had his family once again._ _

___________________________ _

__Sirius doesn’t come home the next Christmas break, instead, he goes to the Potter’s house._ _

__It was Regulus’s second year at Hogwarts, and thinks were moving as well as he expected them too. He still had no friends other than his classmates, and his relationship with his brother was growing more and more thinner as time went on._ _

__It started when he walked out in the hall to hear Sirius loudly talking about how all Slytherins’ were evil, and it only grew when Sirius saw him and looked away and kept talking instead of stopping. And now Regulus was here alone with his parents, who of course were pissed over the fact that their heir was choosing to spend time away from their family._ _

__When he returns to school he goes three days earlier than he was supposed to, his mother sick of looking at him. One side of his face was purple, his back wrapped up from where his mom sliced it open repeatedly with a spell. Everything got worse whenever Sirius left._ _

__Regulus wanted to be powerful. He wanted to be brave. He wanted to be able to be the perfect son his mother wanted, because then she would stop hitting him, she would stop hurting him, she would be proud of him. He just needed a bit more power, a bit more knowledge, he needed to work just a bit harder._ _

__So he went to the school library and sat there day and night, pouring over the book’s way too complex for him to understand. He thought of Voldemort, the rising icon of power. No one told him what to do, no one hit him, no one hexed him. Regulus found himself wanting to be like that, someone people looked up to instead of down at._ _

__“Isn’t it a bit late to be up Mister Black?” A voice startled him from his book, and he looked up guiltily at Professor McGonagall, who was staring at him with raised eyebrows. “Come have tea with me,” She said, and it wasn’t an offer._ _

__He followed her to her office._ _

__They sat in silence for the first few minutes, Regulus wondering what the hell was going on. Professor McGonagall had never interacted with him outside of class. She had no reason to, no interest in him whatsoever. So being in her office late at night, drinking her tea and eating her biscuits, it was kind of alarming._ _

__“You’re back early,” She said easily, sipping her tea casually._ _

__“Mother wanted some quiet,” Regulus responded back easily._ _

__“Now, none of that,” She scolded him. “I am not a dimwitted fool.”_ _

__Regulus isn’t sure what to say to that._ _

__“I know where the bruises on your face came from, I know the spell that makes them last longer and makes them hurt more than normal, I know much more than you think I would Mister Black,” She says, as easily as if she was reciting the weather._ _

__“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” He says, almost robotically. The number one rule in their family is that you cannot tell anyone of the punishment you get. Word will get out to tabloids and then it’s unnecessary clean up and it will result in harsh consequences. “I think I should go. Thank you for the tea.”_ _

__He stands up, turning quickly and hurrying towards the door._ _

__“My office is always open,” She calls after him, stopping him in his tracks. “Next Christmas, next break, whenever you need it, my door is open for you to stay. I offered the same to your brother, and I will continue to offer it to whatever child needs it. You don’t need to go home if you do not wish to Regulus.”_ _

__He walks out without a word._ _

_______________________________________ _

__His parents send him a letter halfway into his second year, telling him that he needed to pick up his studies in charms, that someone important is looking his way and if he impresses him within the next few years, he will be destined for great things._ _

__He had turned thirteen a couple of months ago. Sirius left a cupcake in front of the Slytherin dormitories for him. It was the first time they had talked the entire year._ _

_______________________________________ _

__He was walking down the hallway, minding his own business when it happened._ _

__He didn’t even know the boy's name, had only seen him a few times in the hallway, since he was two years older than him. He was in Gryffindor, and Regulus had sometimes seen him hanging out with Sirius and his gang. Not often, but enough that Regulus noticed._ _

__The boy had walked right towards Regulus, almost like he had planned it. And before Regulus could even think about reacting, his books were being knocked out of his hands, parchment and books going flying all over the ground._ _

__Regulus schooled his face into indifference, his most recent skill. He was never good at faking emotions, not like Sirius was, but he was mighty good at repressing them._ _

__“You dropped your books,” The boy sneered. “Gonna pick em up?”_ _

__“We have very different definitions of the word dropped,” Regulus said easily._ _

__“Obviously,” The boy sneered. “Go on, pick it up you Slytherin scum. Or are you going to call mommy and demand she come do it for you?”_ _

__Out of the corner of his eyes, he could see Sirius walking away, the rest of his friends following. Regulus tried to pretend like he didn’t see it._ _

__“Oi!” Someone cried out, and suddenly someone was walking towards them. Another griffyndor, the one with red hair that Regulus vaguely knew. Lily Evans. The most brilliant mudblood in the school. “Bugger off Stevens, before I report you to the headmaster or knock your teeth out.”_ _

__“Just a bit of fun Evans,” The boy, Stevens, laughed. “No need to get your pigtails in a bunch.”_ _

__He left either way, walking a bit too fast to be classified as not a tiny bit afraid of the girl in front of him._ _

__“Here,” She said, leaning over and picking up his stuff. Regulus was quick to do the same, picking up as much as he could before she could touch it. “Sorry about him.”_ _

__“I didn’t need your help,” He said, roughly grabbing his things. He wondered if this would get back to mother, if she would know that a mudblood had to come rescue him. Not that he needed helping anyways._ _

__She raised an eyebrow at him, instead of getting mad as he expected._ _

__“Definitely Sirius’s brother,” She said with a cheeky grin. “See you around.”_ _

__He turned and swore never to think about the incident ever again._ _

________________________________________ _

__“You study too much,” Sirius tells him one day. They are both in the library, books open in front of them. Regulus didn’t know how it happened, but it did. Every Thursday, the two of the sat here together, sometimes in silence, sometimes talking like they were young again without the walls between them._ _

__Regulus is studying for his charms test; Sirius is planning out a prank._ _

__Regulus thinks back to the last time he went home, how his mother had hit him so hard because he said that he missed Sirius. He shouldn’t have. And yet he did. He missed his brother like he missed a lost limb, and here Sirius was, beside him, real, solid, warm, here, and yet Regulus feels the distance all because of the colors on their scarfs._ _

__“You don’t study enough,” Regulus says easily. “Is that silly prank actually vital to your education at this point?”_ _

__“James wants to do it,” Sirius shrugged. “It looks like fun.”_ _

__Regulus sort of hates James Potter. He isn’t sure why. The boy never interacted with him more than bored stares whenever Regulus and Sirius talked in the hall. The Potter boy had never done anything against Regulus himself, and yet Regulus feels like James had taken something away from him. Something very important._ _

__He pushed the thought out of his mind._ _

__“Teach me some of the charms you’re learning for it,” Regulus says, and Sirius is eager to show off._ _

___________________________________ _

__He had failed his History of Magic test._ _

__He hadn’t studied for it, too busy with Quidditch practice and studying for Charms like his parents told him to. So now he started at the less than optimal mark and tried not to scream._ _

__He could feel the phantom ghost of his mother's hands across his cheek._ _

__There was an exspectation he had to maintain, a certain level of excellence that he was not allowed to dip below. His parents were counting on him, were exspecting him to be perfect, to pick up the slack Sirius dropped._ _

__Sirius might still be heir, but everyone in their family knew it wouldn’t last, and how could Regulus be the perfect heir to be if he couldn’t even get good marks of his History test? When it was perhaps the easiest and most useless class in the entire course?_ _

__His mother was going to kill him. He tried not to think about the crushing feeling of her disappointment dropping on his shoulders._ _

_________________________________________ _

__Severus Snape is sitting across from him in the common room, scribbling notes into his potion book._ _

__He was one of the biggest competitors Regulus had for top marks. He didn’t mind it as much, he liked having someone to bounce ideas off of, someone to keep him on his toes. Snape was quiet. Always quiet. Regulus was the same, that was probably the reason they were never truly friends._ _

__Or maybe it was the anger that Severus was radiating at all times, the burning rage towards the world, specifically towards muggles. Regulus should feel that hate too, had it beaten into him since he was old enough to remember, and a part of him did. He knew that purebloods like him were superior to muggles, to half bloods even, but he didn’t have the same hate running through his veins._ _

__Regulus was fascinated by dark magic, he read about it and wondered what it was like to hold such morbid power. The difference was that while Regulus read about it, Severus practiced it._ _

__Regulus wondered what his life would have been like if he had a life like Snape’s, if he didn’t have Sirius by his side reminding him what it was like to love instead of hate._ _

_____________________________________ _

__There were rumors going around. Something about Remus Lupin being a werewolf._ _

__Now Regulus wasn’t an idiot, in fact, he prided himself on being quite bright. He knew what Remus was, and he knew what Sirius and the rest of his idiot friends did to protect their friend. But they slipped up, and now the rumors were growing, fueled by Snape’s vicious and ruthless rumor spreading and harassment._ _

__Regulus and Sirius only occasionally talked, and when they did it wasn’t the friendliest encounter. But Sirius was family, and Regulus knew that Sirius loved Remus. So Regulus spent his time researching what else fits with Remus’s symptoms._ _

__There were multiple. So he spread them around, and people quickly shunned Snape’s ideas, because there were multiple more logical options to pick from._ _

__Sirius never figured out who started the cover stories for his friend, and Regulus never told him. He didn’t want the praise._ _

___________________________ _

__“I hate my family,” Sirius declared as he was walking towards his next class with his three friends. Regulus wondered if he knew that he was behind him, he wondered if Sirius would even care. “All of them, despise their guts.”_ _

__Regulus wanted to reach out, to turn Sirius around and demand to know when they had gotten to this, when it reached the point when Regulus was included with his family. For a small moment, he hated Sirius for tearing their family so apart, for spitting them so well that they barely even talked to each other anymore._ _

__Instead, he turned and took another route to his class._ _

________________________________________ _

__Sirius and him sat on their balcony during Christmas break, staring at the stars._ _

__They haven’t talked in ages, not for longer than a few words. Regulus was absorbed in his work, and Sirius was absorbed in proving to their parents that he wouldn’t listen to them anymore._ _

__There was a rift between them, a lake that Regulus couldn’t swim across to reach his brother. But at the same time, the connection between them was as strong as it was when they were children. He still knew Sirius better than he knew himself, and Sirius still knew him like the back of his hand._ _

__Sirius might suddenly be on a muggle loving prick, might be pushing too many buttons all the time, might be starting too many fights, but Regulus still loved him more than anything else in the world. It confused him._ _

__“I have something for you,” Sirius suddenly said, his voice too loud in the darkness of night. His brother was always too loud, too bright, too much for Regulus to comprehend. “For Christmas.”_ _

__Regulus had never gotten a Christmas present before, he had never gotten anything more than a Merry Christmas from some of his classmates and teachers before he went home._ _

__“You didn’t have to,” Regulus said stupidly._ _

__“I did though,” Sirius shrugged, reaching into his leather jacket and pulling out a rectangular gift wrapped in newspaper. Regulus held it as if it was the most precious thing in the world._ _

__He carefully peeled back the paper, layer by layer until he was holding a brand-new copy of Frankenstein. He stares at it in shock._ _

__“So you can stop reading books all in one night at the library,” Sirius teases him. The fear passes quickly, because Regulus had gotten good at shoving feelings deep down into a box and pretending they weren’t there. He hadn’t cried in almost two years now, able to push back the urge whenever he felt like it._ _

__“I’ve read this one already,” He said dumbly, because he couldn’t put words to the gratitude rolling in his chest._ _

__“I know,” Sirius responds. “It’s still a good one.”_ _

__“Do you think Frankenstein’s monster is truly evil?” He blurts out, turning the book over in his hand._ _

__“What do you mean?” Sirius asks with a laugh. “It’s in the name.”_ _

__“But do you think that maybe he’s a product of his environment?” Regulus asks, staring at the pages. He didn’t want to see the look on Sirius’s face. “That maybe if someone else created him, he wouldn’t have done what he did?”_ _

__“You are saying that since he was raised a monster, he became one?”_ _

__“Exactly,” Regulus nods. “There’s good in him. He helped people. But they shunned him, so he rebelled. If put in a loving environment, maybe he wouldn’t have turned.”_ _

__Sirius is silent for a long moment, the air between them electrified._ _

__I think even raised as a monster, everyone has a choice,” His brother said slowly. “Sure, they raised him to be a monster, but he chose to give into that desire.”_ _

__Regulus nodded._ _

__“I’m going to bed,” He said, standing up and walking away._ _

__He didn’t think about how Lord Voldemort wanted to meet him soon, how the Dark Lord apparently saw something in him that Regulus didn’t._ _

__Sirius thought Muggles weren’t bad. That they were equal to them, and not bloodthirsty monsters who would willingly squash out anything different from them._ _

__Regulus thinks back to the stories he heard. He thinks back to the destruction he had seen. He thought about Snape creating a spell that tore skin apart. He thought about the muggleborn girl on that train all those years ago, Lily Evans, one of Sirius’s sorta friends. He thought about the hate and rage burning far under the surface of his skin, the eagerness he had when learning new hex’s and curses because his parents told him to._ _

__Was a monster born? Or was a monster created?_ _

______________________________________ _

__There was a boy in his class that fascinated Regulus._ _

__He had sandy brown hair and a twinkling laugh, mischievous eyes that would catch onto his from across the classroom. He didn’t know his name, since he was always on the other end of the classroom, the two of them never interacting beyond the catching of their eyes._ _

__Then one night as Regulus was sitting in the library, the beautiful boy sat beside him. They didn’t speak, didn’t need to, they only needed to sit there in each others presence._ _

__They started passing notes later, notes slipped in between pages of books, sent flying across the class with charms they learned together in silence._ _

__Regulus found himself enamored in the sight of his eyes, the raise of his eyebrows, the fluidity in his motions when he cast a spell. Regulus was still young, too young to even fancy the idea of being in love, but he knew that if there was anyone in the world that he loved like that, it would be that boy._ _

__One night, while they were sitting in the library, they spoke. Before, they only said a few words to each other, curt short messages meant to be direct and right to the point. They both knew the risk of being seen together. It was why they snuck around in the back of the library where no one went, why they passed notes by bumping into each other in the halls._ _

__“My name is Elliot,” He said, not even looking up from the book._ _

__“Regulus,” He replied._ _

__“I know,” Elliot said, a shine in his eyes. “Everyone knows who you are. The most brilliant Slytherin in years.”_ _

__“You flatter me,” Regulus said, ignoring the heat rising in his cheeks. He wondered why he had waited so long to know the boys name, to talk to him. His voice was beautiful, soft and soothing, reminding him of soft chocolate and warm tea._ _

__Everything about Elliot fascinated him, from the sound of his voice, to the ideas he proposed while studying, to the way his lips were so soft under Regulus’s own._ _

__A part of Regulus wondered what his mother would do if she found out he was kissing a boy, how she would react. His love life was dictated from the year he was born. He was to marry a beautiful pureblood witch to carry on their family line, and if there were no pretty witches around he would be married to a cousin distant enough that no one would notice._ _

__But this was what Regulus wanted, Elliot laughing softly at his jokes, the two of hem discussing books, sitting in the darkness together as Elliot’s fingers carded through his hair._ _

__Elliot was kind to him, treated him like an equal, laughed at his jokes and made ones that made Regulus wheeze with restrained laughter. Elliot was beautiful. Elliot was everything that Regulus wanted._ _

__Elliot was a muggleborn._ _

__The deep-seated disgust kicked in almost immediately after he found out, his mother's voice ringing in his ears. Muggleborns were disgusting, below him, not worth his time._ _

__He stopped going to their meeting at night, stopped reading Elliot’s notes, ignored the other boy's attempts at contacting him. Eventually, the other boy stopped trying._ _

__Regulus tried to ignore how much he missed the other boy's hand holding his, the other boys’ lips, the other boy’s presence._ _

__

________________________________________ _

__He is fifteen years old, and downstairs his family is fighting. It is nothing new. But there is something in the air, something that Regulus sensed long ago._ _

__He knows that something wrong was going to happen tonight, and it’s taking all his restraints not to rush downstairs and beg them to stop, to tear them apart and beg them to for once act like a proper family._ _

__But the fear kept him back, the scars down his back and arms reminding him of what happened to boys who meddled in things they weren’t supposed to. So he sat in his room, staring at the wall and wondering when the precious tipping of the scales would occur._ _

__He didn’t have to wait long._ _

__Before he knew what was happening, there was a loud crash and screaming and then suddenly Sirius was in his room, throwing open his closet and pulling out his suitcase. School wasn’t starting for another month._ _

__“What are you doing?” Regulus asked, raising from his bed._ _

__“I’m getting the fuck out of here,” Sirius hissed, turning his angry eyes towards Regulus. “I can’t stand this fucking family anymore.”_ _

__“You’re leaving?” Regulus asked like an idiot. “Where?”_ _

__“James will take pity on me,” Sirius laughed without humor. “If not, I don’t care. I’ll find someplace.”_ _

__“Sirius don’t be a fool,” Regulus said, but the truth was that fear was rising up in his throat and he was very much aware that his brother was slipping through his fingers like sand through an hourglass. “Let’s just wait until morning before we make a rash decision.”_ _

__“Don’t tell me what to do!” Sirius screamed. “I am sick of tired of this shit! If you opened your eyes for once and stopped being a fucking coward you would be too!”_ _

__“Please stop,” Regulus begged. He felt like a little six-year-old again, begging his brother to stop fighting so they could go back to their room and read a book together, so that everything would be fine again. “Siri please.”_ _

__“Reg please,” Sirius said in a mocking tone of voice. “Why won’t you get your head out of your ass and grow a backbone huh? Why don’t you let go of mommy’s dress and realize that I don’t deserve this family, and you don’t either.”_ _

__“Why are you doing this?” Regulus asked as Sirius threw more clothes into the bag. “You’re tearing this family apart!”_ _

__“I’m tearing it apart?” Sirius said, a touch hysterically. “My eye is bruising, my ribs are probably broken, and every day I’m either I wonder if my own mother is going to kill me! I am not the problem here! Don’t pretend like you don’t see it Reg, I know you’re their perfect little poster boy, but I see the bruises too. I know what they do. Stop being such a coward.”_ _

__“They do it for our best,” Regulus said._ _

__“No they don’t,” Sirius laughed. “They do it for their amusement. Wake up and smell the daisies.”_ _

__“Please don’t go,” Regulus said, suddenly sounding very much like the little child he felt. He saw Sirius melt a tiny bit._ _

__“I have to,” He whispered quietly. “Regulus you have to understand, I have no choice. I can’t stay here. I can’t do this anymore. One day you will get it.”_ _

__Regulus doesn’t think he will. He doesn’t think he will ever understand why the hell his brother is leaving him here, why his brother couldn’t just listen and do what they said. Why his brother couldn’t just accept what was going on and stop causing so many problems. It was so much easier if he just listened, if he just accepted that they weren’t in control and they never were._ _

__“You know they’re wrong,” Sirius steps closer, eyes dark. “Admit it Regulus, their views are wrong, their methods wrong, everything is wrong here.”_ _

__Regulus opens and closes his mouth._ _

__How could he? What would he do if he accepted that maybe everything his parents told him was wrong? What would he do if he admitted that sometimes he wondered if mudbloods were that wrong, sometimes he wondered if his mother was crazy. He couldn’t do that. Everything would change._ _

__“You can’t can you?” Sirius asked, a sharp laugh leaving his lips. “You know it’s wrong Reg just say it!”_ _

__He screamed the last part, hand raising and Regulus couldn’t help but flinch away._ _

__He had never been afraid of his brother before now._ _

__They stood there for a long moment, neither knowing how to continue. Regulus was still struggling to differentiate his brother from his mother, and he thinks that scares him more than anything else._ _

__“You’re a cowards Regulus Black,” Sirius hisses, although tears are swimming in his eyes. “A goddamn coward.”_ _

__With that, Sirius stormed away, and Regulus is left standing there alone in his room._ _

__For the first time in three years, he lets himself sob._ _

_________________________________________________ _

__The next morning, his mother and him stand in the room that held their family tree. There are already many names burnt to a crisp. Sirius’s name had joined them._ _

__“You are now the heir of the Black family,” His mother said calmly. “As it should have always been. Your traitor of a brother has no claim to this family anymore. You won’t let me down like he did will you?”_ _

__“Of course not Mother,” He responds robotically. He misses Sirius more than anything._ _

___________________________________________________ _

__“You are a disappointment to the Black family,” His mother hisses at him, and he stood without responding, despite her wand pointed at his face. “How dare you? How dare you stand here in front of me. After everything your foolish brother did, you would think you would have learned.”_ _

__Regulus doesn’t even remember what he did. It doesn’t matter anyways. Sirius is gone. He isn’t sure why he even bothers anymore. He is due to meet the Dark Lord before school starts, to get that horrid mark on his wrist. The same on Bella has, the same one Narcissa holds._ _

__His mother is sticking a wand in his face, and he wonders what it will be this time. Will she skip magic and just hit him? Or will she tear up his back? Will she curse him to puke until he suffers from starvation? Or will she find something new?_ _

__He looks into his mother’s eyes, and for the first time in his life, he doesn’t recognize them. He thinks she may have gone mad since Sirius left, since his brother broke his mothers’ heart and disgraced their family._ _

__“This time,” She promises. “You will learn your lesson.”_ _

__Regulus stands tall just like he was taught to. Face punishment without complaint, head held high, back straight, just like any respectful Black family member would do._ _

__“Crucio,” His mother whispered, and immediately, all Regulus knew was pain._ _

__He thought he knew pain before. Knew it with every slap across the face, with every cut on his back, every slice of his skin. He thought he knew pain when his father pushed him down the stairs, when his mother threw a vase at him, when Sirius called him a coward and left him behind in this hellhole._ _

__But he didn’t know pain until now. All of that was a simple flick on his skin, a pinprick compared to what he was feeling right now._ _

__It was as if every single muscle in his body decided to get stabbed at the same time, like all his bones decided to break at once, like every nerve decided to light up with pain all at once._ _

__For the first time in years, Regulus screamed._ _

__He threw back his head and screamed louder than he ever did, like maybe if he screamed loud enough Sirius would come save him, and he could cower behind him like he was a little child again, worshipping his brave brother who stood up for him, who protected him._ _

__Who left him._ _

__Time stretched on and on, but it also lasted for almost a second, thought blurring into one long moment in his life clearly described by the simple word of pain._ _

__Then it was over._ _

__He lay on the ground, blood seeping from his nose and he stared with half-lidded eyes at the wall. THE absence of pain was almost worse than feeling it in the first place._ _

__“Get up,” His mother hissed._ _

__He couldn’t move._ _

__“Stop acting like a child and get up!” She screamed and suddenly she was screaming the curse again and all Regulus knew was pain. Over and over again, he wasn’t sure how long it lasted until his head was full of cotton and he wondered if maybe he went insane. If maybe his mind was flouting above him and he could finally rest._ _

__Every inch of his body felt like it was on fire, and a part of him begged for someone, anyone, to come and save him, to pick him up and wrap him in a blanket and tell him he would be alright._ _

__He tried to get up, spasming muscles barely even working as he told himself to move, to stand up and take it like a man, to take it like a Black. He was the heir now, he had to be used to this. He needed to be able to face his mom and tell her to stop._ _

__He couldn’t move. Limbs weak, brain liquid pouring out of his ear._ _

__Then suddenly his limbs were moving without his consent, and he was shakily climbing to his feet like a puppet on a string. His mother's face was twisted when he looked at it, her wand pointed at her._ _

__“Tell me your sorry,” She demanded, and his lips worked without any thought, spewing words he didn’t want to say._ _

__“I’m sorry,” He whispered._ _

__“Tell me that you won’t break my heart like Sirius did,” She sobbed._ _

__“I will never break your heart mother,” His lips moved even though he didn’t want them to. He was a simple puppet now, lying at her mercy. He couldn't do anything, couldn't even move hsi pinky finger the tiniest bit. He was at her mercy. “I love you mother. I would never hurt you like Sirius did.”_ _

__His mother sobbed, her wand dropping and so did he, like strings cut on a puppet he collapsed on the ground, muscles shaking and twitching as he lay there._ _

__His mother left seconds later._ _

__Never had his mother used any unforgivable curse on him, let alone two. For a second Regulus hated her, then he hated the dark magic she used, then he found himself wondering when in his life he could be over this. When he could take the power for himself and make sure no one could ever hurt him again._ _

__For the first time in his entire life, Regulus hated his brother. If Sirius never left, if Sirius just stayed and listened and followed their rules, Regulus wouldn’t be lying on the ground in immense pain. Pain greater than he ever knew. All of this was Sirius’s fault and Regulus hated him with every piece of broken and bent bone in his body._ _

__But the logical part of him said that Sirius was just smart for leaving. That Regulus should have gone with him. That part still loved Sirius, and Regulus knew that the part of him that adored Sirius would never disappear._ _

__He lay there all night, the pain too overwhelming for him to move to find his bed._ _

____________________________________________ _

__He hated Sirius for leaving him alone._ _

__He hated himself even more for staying._ _

__He hated Sirius for not offering to take him with him._ _

__He hated himself even more for not following him._ _

___________________________________________ _

__By the time Regulus went back to school, the dark mark was stained onto his skin. He wore long sleeves every day to hide it from those around him._ _

__He couldn’t tell if he loved the power that came with it, or if he hated the promise he made to a man who stared at him with dead eyes and a sinister grin. He wondered if he ever had a choice to take it either way._ _

__When he looked at Voldemort, Regulus saw a monster, not a man. The ever-present question on his mind bubbled up once again._ _

__Was someone born a monster? Or were monsters made?_ _

_____________________________________________ _

__The first time he saw Sirius after he ran out was the third week of school._ _

__Regulus hadn’t slept all week, every time he closed his eyes nightmares flashed under them. So he stayed awake, studying, learning, mastering. His teachers mostly praised him, although McGonagall and Flitwick stared at him with barely concealed concern. Neither talked to him about it, he wouldn’t have like it if they did._ _

__There was anger boiling in his veins. Anger he didn’t know where to aim. He was just so mad all the time, rage at someone stirring inside him. He hadn’t felt like this ever in his life. He wasn’t sure where it came from._ _

__He saw Sirius in the halls, and his brother grinned at him like nothing happened. Like he hadn’t walked out and left Regulus at the mercy of his mother, like Sirius hadn’t called him a coward and walked away from their family, leaving unrepairable cracks._ _

__“Hey Reg,” Sirius grinned at him. “How’s it going?”_ _

__His friends were behind him, including Potter, who Regulus hated more than all. Potter who stole his brother away, Potter who Sirius chose to run to, without even offering to take Regulus with him._ _

__“I don’t want to talk to you,” Regulus said, proud at how emotionless his voice was. It was hard to feel emotions lately, anything other than anger fizzed out before it spark could light._ _

__The way Sirius’s face dropped didn’t give him any satisfaction._ _

__“Don’t be like that,” Sirius said so softly, like he was the one who did nothing wrong, like Regulus had hurt him. “I don’t want to fight.”_ _

__“Neither do I,” Regulus said, pushing past him to continue down the hall. “So leave me alone.”_ _

__“Reg!” Sirius protested, running after him, he grabbed onto his arm. Regulus knew better than to finch. He wondered if Sirius could feel the twitching of his muscles, the spasms that stayed even weeks after their mother’s brutal attack. “What’s wrong with you? Why are you like this?”_ _

__“You’re the one who left me Sirius,” Regulus hissed, the anger rearing his head once again. He didn’t let it show. “You wanted nothing to do with me, I’m respecting your decision. Now leave me alone.”_ _

__“I had to leave,” Sirius said, almost like he was begging Regulus to understand. It confused him, to hear his brother seem almost desperate. “You have to understand that.”_ _

__“I understand nothing about you Sirius,” Regulus laughed humorlessly. “There is nothing to understand about your actions.”_ _

__“Fine!” Sirius snapped, and that was more familiar, the snap of his brothers’ anger, the impulsive emotions, the passion that burned much too brightly for Regulus to understand. “Be an asshole, see if I care. I stand by what I said you know. You are a fucking coward!”_ _

__“I am not the coward here,” Regulus replied, not raising his voice at all. It wasn’t worth the effort that he didn’t have. “You were the one that turned tail and ran from your family.”_ _

__“You were never my family,” Sirius hissed. “James is more of a brother to me than you ever were.”_ _

__For the first time in weeks, he felt something other than anger. He felt hurt, betrayal, sorrow._ _

__He remembered Sirius’s promise all those years ago, how they would be brother together, that no one could come between them. It was laughable now. James Potter had stolen that away from him._ _

__More of a brother than Regulus had ever been, what a laughable statement. Was Regulus never there for him? Had Regulus not attempted to save Sirius, only to be punished horribly? Did he not share his books with Sirius? Had he not listened to his stories and ideas? Had he not taken the blame for his mothers favorite broken china to save Sirius from another beating? Did all of that mean nothing to Sirius?_ _

__“Sirius,” Remus hissed, looking scandalized. “Don’t be an asshole.”_ _

__“What?” Sirius laughed. “Not like he cares! He doesn’t feel anything! Everything is just a fucking act to him! He feels nothing, sees nothing, he’s just a coward hiding behind a mask!” Sirius was in his face, screaming and Regulus almost screamed back. But the energy had left him._ _

__All he was was tired._ _

__“You know what Regulus?” Sirius hissed. “I hate you. I fucking hate you and the rest of our stupid family and you are destined for nothing but being a lackey, a puppet, a tool. You are a coward, and I hate you.”_ _

__With that Sirius turned and walked away, leaving Regulus there alone. Always alone._ _

__He turned and walked away from the staring faces; his own face impartial to what just happened._ _

__He didn’t even have the energy to mourn for the brother he lost that day._ _

_____________________________________ _

__Every time he saw Sirius around school, his brother would loudly talk about how much he hated his family. How all Slytherins were evil. How annoying he found his parents and brother to be._ _

__Regulus pretended not to hear him. He reminded himself of the Greek goddess Pheme, who cursed rumors down on those were angered her. What had he done to deserve this scorn? This hate?_ _

__He had to try and remember, was a monster born? Or made?_ _

__He rose quickly through the Dark Lords' ranks._ _

__Not as fast as Bella, who committed herself so desperately to the cause, pledging her undying loyalty. But he moved fast. He learned quickly, and it was easy to aim his anger at the world towards one group of people._ _

__He had never had one set of beliefs. It was the annoying part of his internal struggle. A part of him constantly believed his parent's words, the words of his cousins and other pure blooded families. They were better than muggles, above them. But at the same time mudbloods had only ever treated him with kindness, none of them had ever done anything to hurt him._ _

__It was the uncertainty that kept him up at night, staring at the mark on his arm and wondering if he even had the option to wonder._ _

__He was sent to a muggle town for scouting over the summer break. He was to scope out the town, learn the weak links, and follow orders._ _

__He had to make home in a nice little cottage by the hillside, and it was so different from the home he knew with his parents. It was small for one, and lacking every single fancy expensive thing his parents loved to buy and decorate with._ _

__He made himself at home quickly, quietly relieved to be away from his parents, but also disgusted that he had to spend time in a muggle village in place. His hatred for them had grown in the past few months, and just being here made his skin crawl._ _

__They were under him, small, worthless, viscous pests._ _

__He went out to buy some food._ _

__“Would you like some flowers?” A girl around his age asked when he walked past her shop towards the store. “You just moved in right? They would spruce up the place easily.”_ _

__Her smile was so bright it was sickening he could barely look at it. He continued on his way to the store._ _

__He bought the damn flowers on the way back._ _

__________________________________________________ _

__Her name was Katie, and he hated her so much._ _

__Every time he was in town, she would find her way to him, walking beside him with that cheerful look on her face and the smile that he hated looking at. She would talk his ear off, telling him everything about her and asking him questions he never answered. He hoped she would get bored._ _

__She didn’t._ _

__“How have you never listened to the Beetles?” She gasped one days when he didn’t understand the reference she made. “You have to listen to them right this instant.”_ _

__She grabbed his arm, and he barely avoided flinching back from it as she dragged him towards her small store, upstairs to where her bedroom was._ _

__He tried not to think of how horrifying this was, how he was in a muggle girls’ bedroom, and how he didn’t actually mind it as much as he wanted to._ _

__They sat there together, not even talking as the music played around him, and Regulus let his eyes close as he swayed to the music._ _

__He felt the anger rush out of him for the first time that day, listening to the gentle coo of a muggle band, sitting in the warmth of Katie’s room and wondering how he was going to survive two more months like this._ _

_____________________________________________ _

__Katie gifted him a book of poems on the twenty-second day of the month, stating it had been a month since they had met._ _

__For the first time in a long time, he smiled._ _

____________________________________________ _

__It became a thing for them. Every Thursday of the week he would go into her shop, and she would close for an hour. They would go upstairs and listen to records of artists he did not know. She would sit on her bed and read him stories from her bookcase, and he would sit on the floor, reading her poetry in return._ _

__“Why don’t you ever talk about your family?” She asked him one day._ _

__“We don’t get along,” He replied easily._ _

__“No siblings?” She asked._ _

__“A brother,” He responded. “He hates me.”_ _

__“Oh,” She said. “That’s his loss I guess.”_ _

__She reached down, a hand running through his hair and it was the first time in a very long time that he could remember being touched with such gentleness and love._ _

____________________________ _

__He was sent to the village to fuel his hate for muggles, and along the way, he fell in love with one._ _

_______________________________ _

__Voldemort’s orders came in two months after he had been staying there._ _

__He had just turned seventeen years old, and Katie was lying in his bed, her hair fanning out on the pillow as she slept, her face peaceful. He stared at her after he read the letter over and over again, committing it to memory._ _

__When she woke up, she asked him what was wrong. He told her nothing, and she looked worried but did not push as she kissed him softly, slowly, like he was something worth holding, something worth keeping._ _

__She wiped away his tears patiently, not pushing him to explain that she was the reason he was crying._ _

__“What’s that one poem you like?” She whispered into his ear; her arms wrapped around him. “The one about the light and the dark? You always recite it when you’re upset.”_ _

__“There is light somewhere,” He whispers to her, and she made a content noise in response. “It may not be much light, but it beats the darkness.”_ _

__“That’s the one,” She said, kissing his cheek. “I’m going to make you cookies. You need new flowers too; we can get some tomorrow.”_ _

______________________________________ _

__He killed her the next week, quickly and painlessly while she slept._ _

__It was to prove his loyalty, to show the Dark Lord that he was loyal, that he would join him in the fight against muggles._ _

__Except muggles were no longer a foreign concept to him, creachures he only knew through stories of their ruthlessness in hunting wizards down._ _

__Instead, he now knew muggles by the soft voice of Paul McCarthy, through the words of famous poets, through the look of fresh flowers on his windowsill, through the soft loving fingers of a beautiful girl._ _

__He debated not doing it, taking her and running far away to where the Dark Lord wouldn’t find them. But it was a pipe dream. He would have found them no matter where they went, and if Regulus left her alive and ran away himself, she would have suffered a lot more than what Regulus put her through._ _

__He went home for the last week and smiled at his mother, told her that he had such a lovely vacation and he was excited for his last year of schooling._ _

__Sirius had called him a coward. Maybe he was right. Maybe Regulus didn’t have a backbone, wasn’t brave like him, didn’t know how to disobey those who were above him._ _

__But what was he to do? He was stuck in a rut, the anger he used to feel long burned away. Now he was just tired._ _

__Tired of being awake, tired of working under people who would kill him without a thought, tired of trying so hard to impress others, tired of existing._ _

__He wondered if people would miss him if he died. He was sure the only person that would have was lying dead in the old cottage he used to call home._ _

_________________________________________________ _

__After that, everything became easy._ _

__He still had that anger raging inside him, the anger that made it easier to blindside himself when it came down to it. It was easy to aim that at muggles and mudbloods, easy to pretend that they were the reason for his troubles._ _

__The first time he was forced to torture someone for information, he was seventeen years old and alone, no one but the poor whimpering wizard in front of him, chained to the wall. Regulus didn’t even know the man’s name._ _

__The man was begging him thought, pleading to let him go, promising he had no information to give, that he was no use to any of them. Regulus suspected he was telling the truth._ _

__But he also knew that he wasn’t allowed to give that as an answer, and if he let this man go, if he let him walk free without even trying, he would be the one chained to wall, with a wand pointed at him._ _

__And he was tired of having wands pointed at him. He was tired of having spells and curses thrown at him as easily as the insults. He was tired of being the one cowering on the floor, tired of being the one in pain with no one to help him._ _

__So as he muttered the curse and listened to the man scream in front of him, he couldn’t ignore the relief that came from being on the opposite side of it all._ _

__For the first time in his entire life, he was the one in power._ _

______________________________________________________ _

__The war was in full swing by the time Regulus graduated. He was on one side of it, his brother on the other._ _

__Regulus wasn’t sure what side he wanted to be on anymore. He pledged loyalty to the Dark Lord, and he knew there was no changing that anytime soon. To do so would be a death sentence. The Dark Lord made it very public what he did to people who angered him. And for the most part, Regulus agreed with the man’s ideas._ _

__There needed to be a divide, a good one too. Something to keep the two groups apart for good. But maybe he thought it should be more protection for the muggles against them. Wizards were the violent ones, the ruthless ones, the cruel ones._ _

__He didn’t want genocide, although he feared that maybe that was the Dark Lords' plans._ _

__He was currently sitting in Malfoy Manner, the house a host to the Dark Lord himself and his many closest followers. Regulus was invited. He didn’t want to come, and yet here he was, making small talk with a bunch of psychopaths who murdered for fun._ _

__Not that he hadn’t killed people, killed innocent people._ _

__“Oh Reggie,” His cousin Bella cooed, fingers running down his arm. “You have to come see our little guest; you will just love her.”_ _

__His cousin had always scared him, something behind her eyes that was just a little too dangerous, a little too unhinged. Now that she was a death eater, it had gotten worse. She took pleasure in scaring people, in hurting people. She was not the same little girl who helped braid Sirius’s hair when it got too long._ _

__“Where are they?” Regulus asked, a man of few words these days. He saw no point in talking, in wasting the little energy he had left._ _

__“The dungeon of course,” Bella rolled her eyes. “Go take a look, she needs some food now anyways. I’ll have an elf bring you it.”_ _

__With that she floated away, off to whatever else caught her eye. He was glad her attention was off of him. He chatted with some of the other guests there for a little while, mostly about whatever last job the Dark Lord had them do._ _

__Some five minutes later, a meek-looking house elf approached him with a tray of food._ _

__“Excuse me Master, sorry to interrupt, but Mistress Estrange sent me to bring you with me while I feed the prisoner,” The elf said, avoiding his eyes._ _

__“Of course,” He responded, his voice going soft. He knew how Bella treated her house elves; he knew the poor thing deserved a little softness. “Excuse me,” He said to the wizards he was talking to, who both nodded and looked away._ _

__Regulus followed the elf down the stairs, neither of them talking. They both knew it wasn’t safe._ _

__Regulus was well aware of the chamber the Malfoy’s had under their floors, had seen it multiple times gowning up, and even more now that he was a death eater. The cold dreary walls were no surprise, and neither was the damp floor, rotting smell, or dim lighting._ _

__What was a surprise was the young girl no older than ten sitting in the corner, staring at them with wide eyes._ _

__Regulus thought he was going to be sick._ _

__“Is that my food?” She asked, her voice scratchy. “Is it bigger this time? I’m starving.”_ _

__Regulus turned and walked away, unable to watch anymore. Hate was bubbling up inside him again, familiar as anything else in the world. Only this time he wasn’t sure who the anger was aimed at, Muggles, the Dark Lord, or himself._ _

__________________________________________ _

__The Dark Lord murdered the girl while they were eating dinner. He liked to make a show, and Regulus forced himself to watch, only because he knew that if he looked away he would be the next one to go._ _

__She had screamed, begged, pleaded, and the Dark Lord only smiled at her, elonging her death as painfully as he could. Regulus could tell he was enjoying this, enjoying her screams, her pain, no matter how young she was._ _

__He wanted to stand up, to demand that this stop, because this was too far. The girl had nothing to do with anything, she was just a child for gods sake._ _

__And yet he stayed sitting, idly eating his food and keeping a mask of indifference on his face because Sirius was right, he was a coward. A god damn coward who still heard his mothers voice in his ear, who followed a man capable of murdering a child, who was unable to stand up for his own mixed beliefs._ _

__For years he pushed away his own thoughts towards muggles, accepting that all of them were evil, vile, violent, pests under his feet that needed to be squashed._ _

__But did that mean killing a little girl? Or the woman he fell in love with that year? Was this what the Dark Lord was willing to do? Continually murder innocents simply because of their heritage?_ _

__For the first time in years, Regulus let the ideas forced onto him go, and accepted the burning rage inside him. It wasn’t aimed at muggles like he forced himself to believe, but instead at the man sitting at the head of the table, glee on his face as he finally put the little girl in front of him to rest._ _

__“Well,” Voldemort said with a chuckle. “That took longer than I thought.”_ _

__Then he was laughing, a horrible grating noise that made Regulus want to scream._ _

__Instead, he laughed along._ _

__The hate boiling inside him was aimed at himself too._ _

______________________________________________ _

__It was on that night that Regulus decided that somehow he was going to defect from the Death Eaters, but being the coward everyone called him, he wasn’t able to do anything about it until three months later._ _

__“The Dark Lord requires a house elf,” His mother told him one night over dinner. It wasn’t an idea, not even a suggestion. It was an order. Regulus tried not to let the screaming inside his head fall from his lips._ _

__“I’ll send Kreacher for him,” He said easily, eyes reaching up to lock onto his house elf, his only true friend, the one person Regulus knew would never betray him. Kreacher didn’t even look scared, wouldn’t dare to in front of his mother, and yet Regulus absolutely hated himself for what he was about to let happen._ _

__Later that night, Regulus sat with Kreacher in his room, preparing him for whatever he was about to do._ _

__“Listen to what he says,” Regulus told him. “And as soon as your done come back here, no matter what. Do you understand?”_ _

__“Of course Master Regulus,” Kreacher said. “I am happy to serve you; it has been an honor.”_ _

__“Stop talking like you’re going to die,” Regulus snapped. Kreacher went silent. “You are not dying okay? It's an honor to serve as his servant. And it’s a simple task, and as soon as your done you come back, and life will move on. Understood?”_ _

__Kreacher nodded, and that was that._ _

_______________________________ _

__Kreacher apparated back into his room a few days later, tears running from his face and his small body heaving in sobs. Regulus didn’t hesitate to rush forwards, grabbing the elf and wrapping him in a bone-crushing hug._ _

__“It’s okay,” Regulus whispered. “What happened Kreacher? Tell me.”_ _

__It took Kreacher almost ten minutes to calm down enough in order to tell him, and Regulus spent every minute of it worrying the Dark Lord himself would appear in his room to strike him dead. Of course he didn’t, but that didn’t stop the fear._ _

__As soon as Kreacher was able to explain what had happened in that dark cave, Regulus knew this was it. That he had to take this chance. But first he had to make sure his house elf was okay._ _

__“I’m so sorry,” He whispered as he finished patching up the last long cut from scraping fingernails._ _

__“Master Regulus has nothing to be sorry about,” Kreacher replies easily. “Master Regulus has always been so kind to Kreacher. Kreacher is forever in debt to you.”_ _

__That does nothing to ease the heavy guilt weighing on him, and it was at that moment that he knew that he would get his revenge on Voldemort, no matter the cost._ _

__“Don’t let your life be clubbed into dank submission,” Kreacher whispered to him that night. “Be on the watch, there are ways out.”_ _

__Regulus wasn’t sure how to respond, but he got the message clearly enough._ _

__Whatever it takes._ _

__________________________________________ _

__He bid his time easily. He stayed close to the Dark Lords side, listened to his words, picked up on the clues that he didn’t before. Putting those together with Kreacher’s account of the locket and some books buried deep in his fathers’ study, it wasn’t hard to make connections._ _

__Something about the Dark Lord was off, an aura around him that suggested that maybe he was more powerful than he seemed, that he had something else up his sleeves. He never seemed to get hurt, no matter how many fights they had, and no matter how many spells he took. Then there was how he bragged sometimes, about holding the secret to life, saying that he was the man who cheated death._ _

__Horcruxes was the easy answer to the question Regulus was asking. The locket in question was very obviously Slytherins locket, a prized possession of the heir to Slytherin. The Dark Lord was a dramatic man, a man obsessed with history and standings and the importance of objects. It was not a stretch to imagine that he would have taken something of that importance and turned it into something to hold his very own soul._ _

__He wrote down his research and finding in a journal, one that made the writing fade seconds after he wrote it, only to be revealed by a very complex indication. He had created the ink himself, spent years prior learning and experimenting to find the perfect recipe._ _

__He wrote down everything he knew of Horcruxes, everything he learned from the books and all his personal assumptions. He wrote the location of the cave, detailed the wards put in place against wizarding magic, the dangers in the lake, the potion hiding the necklace._ _

__He wrote about his own plan, and while he did he wondered if anyone would ever read it. It sounded almost like the ramblings of a crazed man, but Regulus was sure of himself. At the same time, there were too many unanswered questions, too many maybes. It was a foolish plan._ _

__What if it wasn’t actually a Horcrux? What if there was more than one and destroying the one would do nothing to help? What if this was all an elaborate trap and the Dark Lord would be waiting to torture and kill him? What would people think if he didn’t come back? Would anyone miss him? Would his brother wonder how he died? Would Sirius even know he died? Would everyone still believe him to be a horrible person? Would Sirius continue to hate him? Would his mother burn his name off the tree? Would any of this even matter in the end?_ _

__Too many unanswered questions. Too many variables left alone. He wondered why it was him playing this part. There were so many better people equipped to handle this. People braver, smarter, better than him._ _

__But he knew he would be the only one willing to do anything he could to stop the Dark Lord. He knew that the risk was high and he was the only one with absolutely nothing to lose._ _

__He wondered if anyone would miss him. If his mother would grieve, if his brother would wish he did more to save him. Regulus wasn’t sure he wanted to be saved anymore._ _

__He had done horrible things, killed people only because he was ordered to, had watched bloodstain his hands until it was permanently there, constantly reminding him of what he had become. Maybe he didn’t deserve to exist, not anymore. He didn’t deserve to be seen as a hero when he saw so much blood run over the floorboards that he was unable to tell the difference from the colors._ _

__The one thing he had learned as a Death Eater was that both Muggles and Wizards bled red._ _

_____________________________________ _

__“Promise me Kreacher,” Regulus said. “That no matter what, your most important job is to get the locket to safety and destroy it. DO you understand?”_ _

__“Of course Master Regulus.”_ _

__“That means no matter what happens, the locket comes first. Nothing is more important than that. You get it, and you apparate out. You are under no circumstances to get anywhere near the lake or the inferi. Understood?”_ _

__“What about you Master Regulus?”_ _

__“I come nowhere close to the lockets importance. Even if it means leaving me behind, you go.”_ _

__“But-“_ _

__“But nothing. I am ordering you to leave me behind in order to ensure the safety of the locket. Is that clear?”_ _

__“Yes Master Regulus.”_ _

________________________ _

__He was fascinated by the Chinese language, since they had no tenses in their sentences. Everything was one thing, separated not by a tense but by the context it was placed into._ _

__Regulus was eighteen years old. He would never be anything older than eighteen years old. He knew that as soon as he walked into the cave, as soon as he stepped foot on that island with the fake locket clutched in his hand, a message written inside._ _

__He didn’t even dare think about what that letter contained, about how he couldn’t even write his full name signed on the line._ _

__He was a coward. He is a coward. He would forever be a coward._ _

__“There is light somewhere,” He whispered, the words familiar and safe, speaking them felt like going back home. “It may not be much light, but it beats the darkness. Be on watch.”_ _

__He thought about the Chinese language, and how the context was what brought everything to life. It was a fascinating language, and he wished someone in his family knew how to spoke it, then he wouldn’t have just been stuck reading stories in the language, never able to speak it to anyone other than himself._ _

__“The gods will offer you chances,” He continues, walking towards the basin. “Know them. Take them.”_ _

__He is drinking the potion as Kreacher stood beside him, fidgeting from foot to foot. He was nervous, scared, and yet he was still here simply because Regulus asked him to be._ _

__He had never deserved someone like Kreacher, not when he as such a horrible person. Not when he gave his only friend over to a madman and almost killed him over it. And yet Kreacher still stood here, eyes wide as he watched Regulus drink cup after cup of poison._ _

__It tasted bitter, making him gag as he drank it, his throat becoming as dry as the desert he and his parents visited when he was young. He wanted water, no, needed water. And yet he continued to drink, even when he gagged to get it down his throat and his vision was becoming blurred._ _

__He had known about the dangers, had forced Kreacher to tell him every little side effect that was included in it. So he barely even flinched as he heard his mother's voice screaming at him, when he heard Sirius begging him to stop, when he heard the Dark Lords voice ringing in his ear. They weren’t really there. He knew that much._ _

__“You can’t beat death,” He forced out of dry and cracked lips._ _

__He looked down, eyes landing on the locket in the bowl. He eagerly reached in, and with sweating, shaking limbs he pulled forth Slytherins’ locket._ _

__“Kreacher,” He coaxed, quickly passing on the locket and watching as the elf replaced it with the fake._ _

__“You can’t beat death,” He repeated, blinking rapidly, his throat constricting. “But you can beat death in life, sometimes.”_ _

__Regulus turned, his eyes falling on the water surrounding the island, the beautiful water that would help quench the insane thirst crawling up his throat._ _

__He stumbled towards it, barely hearing Kreacher’s protests as the elf worked harder to position the locket properly. He leaned down to just get a handful, a drop would be all that he needed._ _

__A hand raised for the water, grabbing his arm before he could pull away._ _

__There were thousands of them, sunken dirty faces smiling at him as their bony hands grabbed onto him, dragging him into the water._ _

__He could hear Kreacher screaming at him, and he yelled for the elf to go. He heard Kreacher sob before there was the telltale noise of him apparating away, and just like that Regulus’s fate was sealed._ _

__“Your life is your life,” He screamed to no one, his voice echoing throughout the cavern, bouncing off the walls. “Know it while you have it.”_ _

__He was pulled into the water, the liquid filling his throat even as he coughed, attempting to hold his breath. Fingers pulled at his water-heavy cloak, dragging him further even as he fought with weak limbs. Their fingers latched onto him easily, their nails digging into his skin and he barely felt the sting._ _

__He is drowning. He was drowning. He drowned._ _

__His vision was going blurry, his lungs aching for air even though he knew he would never get any. He gave up, his mouth opening in a muted scream as the water flooded through his lips and down his throat, and despite it all it was almost peaceful, the muter noises, the warm water, even the fingers gabbing onto him seemed to do it lovingly._ _

__He is dying. He was dying. He is dead._ _

__Regulus Black closed his eyes as he took his last water-filled breath, and then he closed his eyes._ _

_________________________________________________ _

__He woke up._ _

__His eyes fluttered open and he found himself still floating in the water, sunlight flood through the murkiness. The water didn’t sting his eyes, and when he took in a lungful of water he couldn’t feel it rushing through his lungs, slowly killing him._ _

__He looked around, blearily blinking. Below him lay hundreds of dead bodies that he distantly remembered them as they dragged him into the water._ _

__More damning of course, was his own body lying in the tangles, his eyes closed, hair and limbs flowing fluidly. His skin was paler than normal, face sunken. He wondered how long he had been dead for. It didn’t look like long._ _

__He moved his limbs, idly swimming to the surface. Once he broke through the water into the air it was almost comforting how he didn’t feel the cold air on his body, how he didn’t feel the wet strands of his hair or the heavyweight of his cloak. He felt nothing._ _

__Maybe he didn’t mind being dead as much as he thought he did. It was kind of relaxing. He wandered across the island and stared down at the bowl that was filled with the liquid that lead him to his death. He reached out a hand, his fingers phasing right through the basin. He wasn’t surprised._ _

__He wandered back into the water, swimming across to the exit because the last place he wanted to spend the rest of eternity with was here._ _

__As soon as he left the cave, staring up at the sun that made no effort to warm his chilled skin, it finally sunk in what happened._ _

__He was dead._ _

__He was lying dead in that lake and here he was as some sort of ghost wandering the earth. He couldn’t touch anything, couldn’t interact, and he was still alive, even when dead._ _

__He thought it would have been over, that he could simply end it all and embrace the sweet darkness he thought came with dead. And yet he was still here, still feeling every messed up feeling in his chest, and he now had to live with it for eternity._ _

__As he sat there, Regulus started to cry. He cried for the little boy he used to be, a little boy who had stared at a simple paper bird with such joy and innocence. He cried for the little boy that failed his test in a misguided attempt to protect his brother. He cried for the boy how kissed a muggleborn before pushing him away. For the boy who fell in love with a muggle onto to kill her out of loyalty to a monster. He mourned for the boy who loved his brother even when his brother didn’t love him, and he cried for himself as he sat there under the cold sun, with no one around to see or hear him._ _

______________________________________ _

__He picked himself up after a while, making the long trip back to civilization. He learned that if he tried hard enough, he could force himself corporal enough to interact with the world around him for small amounts of time. He didn’t ponder why that might happen._ _

__He made himself back to the home he knew, the home where Kreacher was instructed to hide the locket and his books, where Kreacher was told to destroy the locket as soon as he knew how to._ _

__A part of Regulus cursed himself for his foolishness, thinking about how he should have freed Kreacher before they left. He was planning to after, without taking into account that he was also planning on dying. He did die, and now Kreacher would forever be shackled to his family._ _

__Regulus found himself in the old cottage he lived in when he didn’t want to be near his parents. He had bought it only a year ago, as a place to hide away from the world. No one other than Kreacher knew about it. It was where his research should be. The locket would still be with Kreacher at his parent’s place._ _

__He walked into his home, focusing enough to turn on the lights before he collapsed in exhaustion._ _

__He didn’t actually feel tired int eh way he was used to, his limbs did not ache, his heart did not slow, he did not feel sleep pulling at his eyes. This was a deeper tiredness, the exhaustion that resided in your soul instead of your body._ _

__He stared at his reflection in his mirror, the way his skin looked sunken, discolored as if he was the corpse. He looked like a corpse; his hair eternally soaked despite himself not feeling any water dripping. He looked dead. He was dead._ _

_________________________________________ _

__He learned to change his appearance within a day, returning himself to the state he was before his death. Maybe a little too thin, a bit closer to death than he should have been, eyes with bags under them and a dead look haunting them, but it was better than the corpselike state he lived in before._ _

__He decided it was time to visit Kreacher and see how his process was going._ _

__The walk to his parent’s house was boring, because now that he had no magic he could just appriate anywhere and hope for the best. So he walked, and he was sure he would have enjoyed it if he was able to feel the wind through his hair, the sun on his skin. Instead, he felt nothing._ _

__He walked through the door easily, walking past the empty rooms he had lived in for most of his life. He found Kreacher in Regulus’s old room, staring at the wall, the locket clasped in hand. His parents must be out, if Kreacher was out in the open like this._ _

__“Kreacher,” Regulus called out. The elf made no sign of hearing him._ _

__“Must destroy the locket,” Kreacher whispered. “Master needs me to destroy the locket.”_ _

__The one thing Regulus never found was how to destroy the locket. He had suggested many ways, from fire to compression to firing curses and hexes until his brain ran dry, but there were no confirming their demise._ _

__“Kreacher you need to start working,” Regulus said. The elf didn’t hear him, in fact, Kreacher barely moved, rocking back and forth on Regulus’s old bed, a tortured look on his face._ _

__Regulus stayed until Kreacher started sobbing his name, and then he couldn’t take it anymore and he left, tears dragging down his own face._ _

_______________________________________________ _

__The urgency inside him had not diminished since he had died. In fact, it had only grown. He visited Kreacher every day for a week, watching as the elf tried a few charms and spells, none that worked. But the old elf was also consumed with work, unable to work much on what Regulus wanted him to do._ _

__He needed someone to destroy the thing, to make sure his death wasn’t in vain. Well, that didn’t actually matter much to him. He didn’t care that he died, I fact he was glad he died. If he didn’t he either would have been tortured by the Dark Lord or still following him._ _

__He didn’t care that he died, but he cared that the Dark Lord wasn’t dead behind him. The man, if you could even call him a man, did not deserve the power he had, and he deserved to be buried in a shallow grave along with the rest of his victims._ _

__He needed someone to ensure that the locket was destroyed, and that if there was more, they were found and destroyed as well._ _

__He needed someone he could trust, and there was no one like that around. So he went to the person he knew would do anything to put Voldemort in the ground._ _

_______________________________________________ _

__Finding his brother was surprisingly easy, and he would have chasted his brother if he was didn’t have a much more important task at hand._ _

__Standing in Sirius’s apartment, Regulus wondered just what about his brother’s life did he miss._ _

__There were photos on the wall, photos of him and his friends, his real family. The bitter taste left in Regulus’s mouth didn’t go away after he watched their smiling faces. Sirius was happier in those photos than Regulus had ever seen him. He tried not to be hurt over how he was never able to give his brother that happiness._ _

__He waited for hours for his brother to get back, pacing the room and wondering what the hell he was to say. He hadn’t talked or seen Sirius in years. He was sure that Sirius still hated him, and there was a high chance he would try to hex him the second he saw him, if he was even able to see him. He had been focusing a lot lately, and he was sure that if he focused hard enough he would be able to maintain a form his brother could see. Or at least he was hoping._ _

__All he needed was to convince his brother to get the locket, his notes, and then destroy them. Then Regulus could leave, would never have to return, and he would find some way to live out the rest of eternity, because apparently he was stuck as a ghost. Which was bullshit._ _

__The door to the apartment opened, and Regulus stood up, knowing his heart would be wildly pounding if he had one. But there was no heart to pump blood through his body, no lungs to take in air, nothing but his body floating in the abyss._ _

__Sirius stood in the door, and Regulus couldn’t see his face through the dark. But he knew that his brother knew he was there._ _

__“Hey James!” Sirius called, and Regulus should have expected that. Sirius raised his wand, pointing it right at Regulus. He kind of hoped Sirius shot him with a spell, just to see the look on his brothers face when it went right through him. “Who is there?”_ _

__“I have no wand, and I come alone, so I would appreciate it if you didn’t point that bloody wand at my face,” Regulus said, and he felt something inside him weep when his brother flinched back like he heard him._ _

__“Regulus?” Sirius asked, walking into the room and flicking on the light, his wand still raised. For the first time in years, Regulus looked at his brother._ _

__His hair was long, almost to his shoulders and Regulus knew his mother would detest it. He was wearing a leather jacket, a muggle band on his tee-shirt and ripped jeans. Worst of all, he looked healthy. He had grown out of the pale Black complexion, a bit of color in his skin. He looked happy, he looked content, he looked pissed._ _

__James practically ran into the room, wand raised as well and he only allowed a second of shock to pass by his face before it was schooled once again. James stood by Sirius’s side, and they looked comfortable together, and all Regulus could think of was that at one point he was the one to stand by his brothers’ side._ _

__“Finally ordered to come kill me huh?” Sirius said, his voice cold. “I wouldn’t have thought you’d wait this long.”_ _

__“I wasn’t told to come kill you,” Regulus said easily. “If I did I wouldn’t be standing here without a wand, alone without backup. I am not stupid brother.”_ _

__“Don’t call me that,” Sirius snapped. “I am not your brother.”_ _

__Regulus pretended he didn’t care. He was dead anyways, and he didn’t come here to make up with Sirius. He knew that wasn’t possible._ _

__“Where’s your wand anyways? Kind of stupid coming here without it,” James put in._ _

__“It’s at the bottom of a lake,” Regulus said, and he left out the part that the rest of him was too. Sirius snorted, like Regulus was telling some sort of joke._ _

__“Okay,” Regulus said easily, wanting to diffuse this and get to the point. “I am not here to fight you, I come to talk.”_ _

__“I am not going to betray my friends and fight for Voldemort,” Sirius snapped. “So don’t even ask.”_ _

__“The idea never even crossed my mind.”_ _

__“Cut the bullshit,” James spoke up. “Tell us why you’re here.”_ _

__“I am here because I need you to do something for me, and there’s no one else I know who would be willing to do it,” Regulus said easily._ _

__“I am not doing anything for you,” Sirius snapped. “Never in my wildest dreams. Working for you is the same as working for the Dark Lord.”_ _

__“It will help take Voldemort down,” Regulus snapped. “For Merlin’s sake, Sirius will you listen to me once in your life? This is my last option and I don’t know what will happen if this fails.”_ _

__He would watch Voldemort win this war, because the man did not follow the rules of mortality, and with the locket in play he never will._ _

__“Finally realized how deep you got yourself huh?” Sirius asked. “As if I believe you would ever have the balls to go against your lord.”_ _

__“Go to my cabin, there you will find my notes. Then you have to go to Kreacher, retrieve what I stole and destroy it. Once you see the notes you’ll understand.”_ _

__“And how do I know there won’t be a welcome party filled with a bunch of Death Eater to kill me the second I show up there?” Sirius challenged._ _

__“There isn’t,” Regulus said weakly. “I’ll stay here if you want, and James can kill me if I am lying.”_ _

__“I don’t want to die,” Sirius scoffed. “Why didn’t you bring the stuff here?”_ _

__Because he couldn’t touch it, couldn’t carry it, couldn’t move things or touch things for longer than a single second._ _

__“Didn’t have the time, did you know that betraying the most powerful dark wizard in the world may result in some unpleasant side effects?” He said sarcastically, like the Dark Lord could do anything for him. “Go, scout out the place if you need to. Wait and see if anyone comes or goes. There will be nothing. And I’ll wait here for when you get back.”_ _

__James and Sirius looked at each other, before Sirius sighed._ _

__“Fine, I’ll go. If I die James here gets to kill you very painfully,” Sirius warned._ _

__“Sure,” Regulus said without humor. He had already died painfully enough. Imagines of the infiri’s grasping hands and the feeling of water filling his lungs came to mind, and he repressed a shudder. He quickly explained where the cabin was, what the spell to reveal the ink was, and how to best get the locket from Kreacher’s possession._ _

__“I’ll be right back,” Sirius said, turning and whispering something to James. Regulus tried not to feel left out._ _

__Then Sirius was gone, and him and James were alone._ _

__“Er,” James said, looking very awkward. “Want some tea?”_ _

__“No.”_ _

__“Okay.”_ _

_______________________________________________ _

__It was a very long time before Sirius got back. Hours in fact. James was at home here, reading a book with his wand in hand, making it very clear he would have no qualms about hexing him into next week. Regulus sat on the couch and did nothing except focus on maintaining his form. He was beyond tired._ _

__Keeping visible was harder than he thought it would be, as well as keeping the illusion of life. He hoped Sirius would be back soon, so he could go on his way and relax for once in his life. Funny how the only time he debated relaxing was when he was dead._ _

__Sirius entered the room with a loud noise, and James jumped to his feet, rushing over to steady him. Sirius looked oddly zoned out._ _

__“Did you get it?” Regulus asked, standing up. If Sirius hadn’t everything would be over. “Do you have it Sirius?”_ _

__“Yeah,” His brother nodded, licking his lips before his eyes met Regulus’s. Gone was the hostility of earlier, instead, there was something else running through his eyes. “Reg,” Sirius stepped forwards, reaching out as if to touch him and Regulus flinched back violently, images of his brother’s hand phasing through him running through his mind._ _

__“Don’t touch me,” He snapped, because hostility was more normal than anything else. “Kreacher gave you the locket?”_ _

__“Yes he did, after almost an hour of talking,” Sirius said. “I have some questions for you.”_ _

__“That’s not necessary,” Regulus scoffed. “You understand what I want you to do?”_ _

__“Why did Kreacher tell me you’re dead?” Sirius asked. Regulus’s blood ran cold. He should have seen this coming. He made sure that Kreacher wouldn’t say what he had done, but he guesses the elf found a loophole._ _

__“I don’t know what you're talking about,” Regulus lied, but Sirius had always been good at seeing through those._ _

__“Really?” Sirius countered, stepping forwards. “Then why did Kreacher tell me the last time he saw you; you were being dragged to the bottom of a lake by a bunch of undead? He seemed very convinced of that.”_ _

__“Please stop,” Regulus said, because he was tired of lying, he was tired of existing, tired of being forced into their world even after he sought the release of death. “Please Siri,”_ _

__“Jesus Christ,” Sirius sobbed, his voice breaking as he turned around. “You truly are a damned idiot Regulus. How could you?”_ _

__“How could I what?” Regulus asked, because he was out of his level here. He wanted to get this over with and leave, let his brother continue to be happy with his true family._ _

__“You could have left!” Sirius screamed, turning towards him. “Bloody hell Reg you could have left, and instead you got yourself killed in the most foolish thing I have ever heard in my life. How could you? What were you thinking?”_ _

__“I could have left?” Regulus asks, staring at his brother in shock. “Where the hell would I have gone?”_ _

__Sirius stares at him, and Regulus is aware that he had raised his voice. He hadn’t yelled at anyone since he was ten years old, had only spoken in controlled tones whenever the two of them fought. But Regulus was dead, and here Sirius was suggested that he _could have left_._ _

__“I wasn’t like you Sirius,” He hisses pointing a finger. “I didn’t have a James Potter to take me in, I didn’t have a Remus Lupin to show me right from wrong and teach me how to live. I had no one except you Sirius, and you left me without even asking me to run with you! You just up and left me there full well knowing that mother would take her anger out on me, that I would be pushed places I didn’t want to go. So don’t you tell me I could have gotten out, because my life was decided the day you chose them over me.”_ _

__“Don’t blame this on me Reggie,” Sirius said, although he looked shaken. “You can’t blame me for getting out of there.”_ _

__“No, I can’t,” Regulus said with a laugh. “But I can blame you for not taking me, for seeing me as someone just as bad as our mother.”_ _

__Sirius stared at him for a long time, mouth opening and closing without any words coming out._ _

__“Okay, um,” James spoke up. “I’m confused.”_ _

__“I’m dead,” Regulus said, not breaking eye contact with Sirius, who flinched at the words. “I died defecting from the Dark Lord and obtaining one of his Horcruxes in hopes that you may destroy it, and he will become mortal once again.”_ _

__“Voldemort isn’t mortal?” James asked._ _

__“Not at the moment no, he split his soul into artifacts. That locket is one of them. I hope it’s the only one,” Regulus grumbled. It would have sucked if he died when there were like, ten more to be found._ _

__“That’s good then,” James turned to Sirius. “That’s a big lead on taking him down.”_ _

__“James,” Sirius said softly. “My brother is dead for that.”_ _

__“Thought I wasn’t your brother,” Regulus said innocently, because being dead didn’t take the pettiness away from him. Sirius flinched back as if he hit him._ _

__“Why would you do that?” Sirius asked. “Why didn’t you come for help? You didn’t need to take your life over this Reg.”_ _

__“Would you have helped?” Regulus asked, feeling slightly hysterical. “You almost hexed me the second you saw me. And I didn’t care if I lived or died this needed to be done! Why can’t you see that?”_ _

__“Why don’t you give a crap about your life?” Sirius challenged._ _

__“My life was nothing,” Regulus laughed. “I figured no one would miss me once I was gone.”_ _

__“What am I?” Sirius asked. “Chopped liver?”_ _

__“Did you forget?” Regulus asked. “Last time you saw me you called me a coward and said I was no longer your brother, that James was more family to you than I was, that I was nothing but a filthy Slytherin, incapable of emotions, incapable of caring. So excuse me for thinking that maybe you don’t care for me.”_ _

__“Reg,” Sirius said, his voice trailing off. Regulus sat down on the couch heavily, exhaustion filling him. For a second he felt the mask drop, himself simply unable to hold it together any longer. He heard the other men take in a sharp intake of breath as Regulus’s dead visage was shown to them._ _

__His sunken skin, dripping hair, blood from finger scrapes lining his skin, water and bile clinging to his lips._ _

__Regulus shuddered, putting himself back together despite the pain deep inside._ _

__“Do you understand what you need to do?” Regulus asked, looking up at his brother once again. “You need to destroy that locket. I’ve outlined the most probable options in my notes.”_ _

__“Was it worth dying over?” Sirius asked, staring at him with such a muted grief._ _

__“If that man dies?” Regulus asked, thinking back to Elliot all those years ago, thinking back to Katie’s dead body, thinking of the young girl and all the other victims of him and the Dark Lords bigotry. “Then yes, I would do the same thing over and over again.”_ _

_____________________________________________ _

__Sirius and his friends work relentlessly on the destruction of the locket. The entire Order does, and although Regulus can’t conjure up enough energy to make himself visible again, Sirius knows he’s there._ _

__His brother will talk to him, telling him stories about what happened in the years they lost, telling him about how he’s dating Remus, how Lilly and James were about to get married, and maybe they would be able to raise a family once the war was over._ _

__Regulus would listen, and he found himself wishing they could have always been like this. That they didn’t need death to bring them back together. He wished he was strong enough to talk to his brother, but every time he tried he could only hold the sight of his dead body, and he was sure his brother didn’t want to see that._ _

__So he kept up his energy, hoping that one day soon he would be able to appear and tell Sirius about what had happened to him. Maybe not the bad stuff, but the tolerable stuff, as little of that as there was._ _

___________________________________ _

__“We think we know how to destroy it,” Sirius said one day when he entered the apartment. Regulus wondered how he knew he was there. He wondered if Sirius actually thought he was there, or if he simply enjoyed pretending that Regulus was._ _

__“How?” Regulus asked, despite knowing Sirius couldn’t hear him._ _

__“Basilisk fang,” Sirius said, pouring himself a drink. “Or fiend fire, we haven’t decided which ones best yet. Depends if we could get a fang, or something similar.”_ _

__Regulus hummed, hoping it was right. He had written both of those in his journaling, but they had been kind of lower on his possible ideas._ _

__“Are you even here?” Sirius suddenly asked, startling Regulus a bit. His brother hadn’t asked him that before. “I need to know Reg, am I talking to fucking air here? I know you don’t want to be visible cause you look dead; I may be a Gryffindor but I am not an idiot, I put it together.”_ _

__Regulus closed his eyes, decided he had nothing to lose._ _

__He faded into existence attempting his best to focus his features into something less dead. He wasn’t sure if he succeeded or not._ _

__“It’s not pretty,” Regulus said, and Sirius tenses, but didn’t turn around. Not yet at least._ _

__“You never were pretty,” Sirius scoffed, before he poured back the entire glass of fire whiskey down his throat before he turned around._ _

__Regulus felt almost shy with his brother staring at him, eyes roaming all over his body as he took in every little thing Regulus was unable to hide._ _

__He knew his robes and hair both appeared sopping and his skin was covered in blood, he wondered if he decayed with the rest of his body as well. He resisted the urge to go run towards a mirror and see just how bad it was._ _

__“Damn,” Sirius whispered, sitting back down and rubbing his eyes. “My little brothers’ dead ghost is sitting in front of me. _Fuck_.” _ _

__“Actually,” Regulus said with a thick voice. “I’m standing in front of you.”_ _

__Sirius let out a bark of a laugh, turning and pouring another glass of his drink. “Glad to see your sense of humor hasn’t improved in the least bit.”_ _

__“Not much opportunity to develop it,” Regulus rolled his eyes, leaning against the wall. Sometimes he wondered how he could easily lean and sit on walls and furniture, but picking things up required too much energy for him to spare._ _

__“You never will be able to now either,” Sirius mumbled, but Regulus heard it anyway. “You think you’ll disappear as soon as we destroy this thing?”_ _

__“What?”_ _

__“You know,” Sirius shrugged. “Unfinished business and stuff. I figured the locket was yours.”_ _

__Regulus hadn’t thought about that. He knew ghosts had unfinished business, and the ones that stuck around were forced to because their business was unable to be fulfilled. He hadn’t even thought about why he had stuck around. It made sense though, he died attempting to destroy the locket, so why wouldn’t he had stuck around until his last action as a living person was carried out?_ _

__“Oh,” Was all he was able to say._ _

__“Oh indeed,” Sirius said, pouring another drink. Regulus frowned at him, not sure who he felt about his brother getting drunk during one of the only times they may be able to talk._ _

__They sat in silence for the rest of the night._ _

_______________________________________________ _

__Regulus was there when they decided to destroy the locket. He half wanted to go find Voldemort, only to see the look on his face when he realized what had happened. But a part of him decided to stay here instead._ _

__He stayed invisible, maybe if only because he didn’t want to talk to anyone. The entire order was here, as well as some other well-meaning wizards who wanted to watch a part of the Dark Lord suffer. Maybe Regulus wasn’t showing himself because he saw Elliot in the crowd. Maybe he wasn’t showing himself because he knew half the people here hated his guts, even while knowing it was him who delivered this to them._ _

__So he stayed invisible, and watched as Dumbledore raised a single basilisk fang, and brought it down heavily on the locket, smashing it into a million bits._ _

__Regulus thought he would feel something. A deep satisfaction. Relief. Maybe he would close his eyes and float into nothing._ _

__But nothing happened, and it was as if they broke some random necklace for no reason._ _

__People were hugging each other, cheering and embracing loved ones with relief in their eyes, as if they killed the Dark Lord. As if he wasn’t still out there, just a bit weaker than they anticipated._ _

__He let himself smile though, even though the disappointment over not fading into oblivious quite yet._ _

_______________________________________ _

__He followed Sirius back to his apartment. He wasn’t sure why._ _

__“Fuck,” Sirius whispered when he entered. “Fuck.”_ _

__“Shouldn’t you be out partying?” Regulus asked, making himself visible._ _

__They hadn’t talked since the last time Regulus appeared, his brother actually stopping talking to him over the last few days. Regulus didn’t dwell on why._ _

__“Jesus!” Sirius cursed, turning to look at him with wide eyes. “You’re here.”_ _

__“Yeah,” Regulus said with a laugh. “Where else would I be?”_ _

__Sirius started sobbing._ _

__Regulus had rarely ever dealt with anyone crying, let alone his brother who always did his best to stay strong in front of him. He hadn’t seen Sirius cry since they were super little, he thinks Sirius might have been only nine._ _

__“Hey,” He said awkwardly, coming closer and reaching a hand out, his ghostly fingers fading through his brothers’ body. He wished he was able to properly reach out, to provide Sirius with the comfort he deserved. Instead, he was stuck as a ghost, unable to comfort his brother in the way he needed. “None of that.”_ _

__“I thought you were gone,” Sirius said through tears. “I thought you were gone again.”_ _

__“Not yet,” Regulus said, shifting from foot to foot. Discomfort ran through him with every second he was there. “Guess the locket wasn’t my unfinished business huh.”_ _

__“Yeah, guess not,” Sirius sniffed. “God Reggie, I don’t want you to go.”_ _

__“You had no qualms about it years ago,” He whispered._ _

__“That was when I was young and stupid,” Sirius scoffed._ _

__“You still are stupid.”_ _

__“And I regret it,” Sirius continued. “God Reg things would have been so different if I just took you with me.”_ _

__“If you took me with you, I wouldn’t have found out about the Horcruxes,” Regulus argued. “And then we wouldn’t have hurt the Dark Lord like we have, and so many more people would have died. I don’t regret what I did Siri.”_ _

__“Yeah well,” Sirius laughed, it was a harsh sound. “I would have continued to fight that stupid bugger for the rest of my life if it meant having my brother alive by my side.”_ _

__“He is killing people,” Regulus said harshly. “Killing innocent people who don’t even know of the war raging in their country. I wouldn’t trade my life back for that to continue.”_ _

__Sirius turned to look at him, a weird look in his eyes._ _

__“What made you defect Regulus?” He asked. “What happened to you?”_ _

__Regulus looked away, and he wondered if he would be able to tell Sirius anything. He wondered if he would be able to lay his shame down in front of his brother, his brother who was brave, good, a million times better than he was._ _

__“I don’t want you to hate me again,” Regulus whispered, because wasn’t that what he was truly afraid of? Ever since he got back Sirius had been treating him like a brother again, and he hadn’t even realized how much he missed his brother. Sirius left him over pureblood traditions the first time, so why wouldn’t he be disgusted if Regulus told him everything that had happened?_ _

__“I could never hate you Reg,” Sirius said softly._ _

__“But you did,” Regulus pointed out. “You don’t have to deny it Sirius, I heard you talk about how terrible and awful your family was, how all Slytherins were pureblood wankers, direct quote, while you knew I was standing right there. Hell, the amount of times that we fought, or you yelled at me, and then you avoided me for an entire year after saying I was just as bad as our parents, who regularly use unforgivable curses, and then there the fact that you literally said you hated me more than a few times.”_ _

__“That’s a lot of evidence, I will admit,” Sirius grumbled. “But I never hated you. Not really. I hated our parents for making you believe the things you did, and I hated purebloods for being mostly pompous pricks, and I hated Slytherins for turning you into something that you weren’t, but Merlin Reg, I never hated you.”_ _

__“Sure felt like you did.”_ _

__“I _didn’t_ ” Sirius stressed. “Bloody hell Reg, I was a dumb kid. We both were.” _ _

__“Is a monster born?” He suddenly asked. Sirius made a noise of confusion. “Is a monster born? Or is a monster only a product of his environment?”_ _

__Sirius was quiet for a long moment, the two of them standing side by side, staring at a blank wall._ _

__“You were talking about yourself that night,” Sirius said suddenly, his voice low. “I thought you were talking about Remus.”_ _

__“Why would I be talking about Remus?”_ _

__“I don’t know! You were talking about monsters, and you had that gleam in your eyes.”_ _

__“I don't think Remus is a monster, he seems like a very fine bloke,” Regulus sniffed._ _

__“Good, I might be having him over later tonight, so you should clear out.”_ _

__“ _Sirius._ ” _ _

__“I’m kidding!” Sirius laughed. “Maybe not. Besides the point. Either way, I don’t think you’re a monster Reg.”_ _

__“I am,” Regulus said dully, his eyes fluttering closed as visions of all the people he killed passed his eyes. “You don’t know the half of what I’ve done.”_ _

__“You had no one, you said it yourself,” Sirius said gently. “Where do you think I would be? If I had been put into Slytherin?”_ _

__“You wouldn’t have.”_ _

__“But just think about it,” Sirius sighed. “I never even considered it before all this shit, but imagine where I would have been if I didn’t have my friends to pull me out of the racist bullshit our parents pushed onto us. I would have been right beside you serving that prick.”_ _

__“You were always too good for that,” Regulus protested. “Even as a kid, you rebelled enough that you would have never joined him.”_ _

__“Bella rebelled, and I can only guess where she is right now.”_ _

__Regulus winced. He remembered Bella’s outbursts as a kid, how she would do anything to piss off her parents just to show that they couldn’t control her, that no one could control her. She was put in Slytherin, fell into a bad group, and now she was one of Voldemort’s most loyal soldiers, and sometimes Regulus suspected she even ended up in his bed._ _

__“If I didn’t have James, Remus, Peter, or Lily or any of my other friends to tear me out of that bullshit our parents forced onto us, then I would have turned out just like her. I’m sure of it.” Sirius turned to look at him, and Regulus hated how much older Sirius looked at that moment. “So I guess to answer your question, monsters are made. And monsters can turn. I don’t know what you did Regulus, but in the end, you died for a good cause, you died to save people.”_ _

__“Did I?” Regulus asked him. “Or did I die because I was too cowardly to continue living?”_ _

__Sirius had nothing to say to that. Regulus watched as he walked back over to the door, grabbing his jacket. If he didn’t know better, he would say that Sirius looked almost like he was about to cry._ _

__“I’m sorry Reg,” Sirius said, his voice thick. “I just need a minute. I’m going to go out, celebrate a bit. We can talk when I’m back.”_ _

__Regulus knew that they wouldn’t._ _

___________________________________________ _

__As soon as Sirius was gone, Regulus left to._ _

__He knew that his brother would miss him, that even with the rocky relationship they had built up, that deep down inside his brother still cared about him._ _

__But Regulus was dead, and holding onto the dead was not the way to go. He knew he would only cause Sirius more grief the longer he stayed._ _

__His brother was happy. He had a family that loved him, a boy he called his brother who was alive, and good, and not a former death eater, a former murderer. He had friends, a boyfriend, a life. Regulus didn’t want to ruin that for him._ _

__So Regulus walked back to his own little cabin, the only place he had ever felt truly safe. And as he sat on his bed without feeling the blanket below him, he pondered why he was still here. Because he really didn’t want to be._ _

____________________________________________ _

__He stayed in that cabin for almost a year, days passing in a blur until he wasn’t sure what day it was, what time it was, or how long he had been zoned out. He wondered if this was what death would be like, the crashing and melding of days together into such a mess that no one was able to decipher it._ _

__He didn’t really mind._ _

______________________________________________ _

__Two years after Regulus delivered the locket to The Order, Voldemort was defeated._ _

__Regulus didn’t even know why he emerged from his cabin that day, when he heard a ruckus outside his door. The days had been a blur for so long, but the cheers almost seemed like they had cleared his mind, awaken him from a slumber he wasn’t even aware he was in._ _

__He walked outside, invisible to everyone around him, and was greeted by the sight of wizards and witches hugging each other, crying and cheering with smiles on their faces. One little girl was even holding a sign that was enchanted to have the Dark Lords face getting repetitively hit with a baseball bat. Regulus found it endearing._ _

__Something inside him lightened, and he found himself smiling for the first time in forever. He cheered just as loud as everyone else, even though no one could hear him. Voldemort was dead, and that meant that all the wrongs Regulus had committed were finally offset, even by just a little._ _

__Everyone the Dark Lord had killed was now finally put to rest, allowed to rest easy knowing their murderer was put down like he was supposed to._ _

__Regulus wanted to visit his brother._ _

_________________________________________________ _

__Finding Sirius wasn’t that hard, Regulus just wandered to their apartment and followed the noise to Sirius and Remus’s place. Inside, their entire friend group was celebrating, short Peter Pettigrew, but Regulus wasn’t overly surprised by that. Remus was laughing with his friends, pouring drinks and laughing about something Potter said. James was hugging onto Lilly, who had a little baby boy in her hands, one with dark hair like his father, but Regulus could see he had her mother’s eyes._ _

__Sirius was hanging off of Remus’s shoulder, clearly drunk and having the time of his life. His arm was casted and there were suspicious looking cuts all over him, but overall he looked fine. It would have been odder to Regulus if Sirius got no injuries from a fight with the Dark Lord. In fact, they all looked slightly battered, other than the little baby of course._ _

__Regulus left them shortly after, because they were celebrating, and who was he to crash their party._ _

_______________________________________________ _

__Eventually, they all left, and Regulus went back into the apartment, and sat on his brother’s couch._ _

__“I wish I was there to see it,” Regulus said as he made himself visible. Sirius, who was in the kitchen, let out a girly scream and dropped the glass he was holding, glass shattering._ _

__“Smooth,” Regulus commented dryly._ _

__Sirius was too busy staring at him, mouth opening and closing like a fish._ _

__“Are you going to say something?” Regulus asked. “Because I’m not much of a talker, and conversations normally are a two-way street.”_ _

__“I thought you left,” Sirius whispered._ _

__“I did.”_ _

__“Why?” Sirius asked, sitting heavily down on a chair. “Why did you leave? I kept asking for you, I begged you to come back, to show yourself. You weren’t there.”_ _

__“I’m sorry,” Regulus whispered. “I went to my cabin. I didn’t want to weigh you down.”_ _

__“Weight me down?” Sirius asked. “Reg you’re my brother, you’d never weigh me down.”_ _

__Regulus chose not to reply. He knew it was a lie anyways. All he had ever done for his brother was cause him pain and grief._ _

__“I missed you Reg,” Sirius whispered. “Can you please come sit with me?”_ _

__Regulus did._ _

__“We did it,” Sirius sighed, leaning back into the cushion. Regulus wondered if it was soft. “We defeated him. Ding dong the witch is dead.”_ _

__Regulus didn’t understand the reference, but Sirius laughed like it was the funniest thing around._ _

__“There’s still more work to do,” Regulus said dryly._ _

__“There’s always work to do,” Sirius sighed. “Death Eaters are still being bloody wankers, running around like a chicken without a head trying to figure out what to do next. We’ll get em soon. This was the big win. Within a couple of months the war should be over.”_ _

__“Then you have to do clean up, funerals, look for the missing,” Regulus said with a sigh. “A war is never quite over. Not until the last memory of it fades into the dust.”_ _

__“Someone’s feeling poetic,” Sirius snorted. “Save the bullshit and let me pretend I have less work than I actually do.”_ _

__“Curbing responsibility,” Regulus said with a small smile. “Sounds like you.”_ _

__Sirius laughed loudly, reaching as if you punch his shoulder, but instead his hand went straight through Regulus’s forms, sobering them both up quickly._ _

__“Why haven’t you moved on yet?” Sirius asked. “I thought that was what happened when you left.”_ _

__“Haven’t figure it out yet,” Regulus sighed. “I’m ready to go, but the universe has decided otherwise.”_ _

__“Shame,” Sirius laughed. “Maybe you’ll have to stick around this time. Help raise Harry. Did you know I’m the godfather? Like what was Lilly thinking when she agreed to that? Maybe he needs some help from you, do you know how to raise a child?”_ _

__“Of course not,” Regulus scoffed. “You know the childhood we had. I’m more likely to raise a ferret than a baby.”_ _

__“You’d be a good dad,” Sirius hummed. “If you had the chance. Wait, were there any girls? Any witches that had your eye? If you say one of our cousins I will kill you.”_ _

__“There were a few flings,” Regulus said with an eye roll. “But I was only in love a few times.”_ _

__“Spill it Reggie.”_ _

__“There was one girl,” Regulus said, eyes closing as Katie’s face flashed through his mind. “She was a muggle.”_ _

__“You’re kidding,” Sirius said, surprise coloring his voice. “No shit? What happened to her?”_ _

__“I killed her.”_ _

__“Oh.”_ _

__Regulus wondered if Sirius would pull away now, once he started to see what a horrible person Regulus was._ _

__“That puts a bit of a damper on the relationship huh?” Sirius asked, before breaking into laughter._ _

__“Merlin Siri!” Regulus said, laughing despite himself. It wasn’t funny, not in the context, but maybe he needed a bit of irrational humor at this moment. Or maybe the laughter bubbling up came from relief, nothing else. “You are insufferable when drunk.”_ _

__“Just cause you never had an ounce of fun in your life doesn’t mean I don’t get to,” Sirius rolled his eyes. “Did you ever have a drop of alcohol? Did you ever go to a party? Did you ever do anything except read?”_ _

__“I mean,” Regulus sighed. “Sometimes late at night I would write my evil plans in my diary before going to bed cackling, is that fun enough for you?”_ _

__Sirius laughed again, reaching forwards to grab a bottle of whiskey he kept on the living room table._ _

__“Is that muggle alcohol?” Regulus asked, the familiar disdain color his mind. He shook his head, reminding himself that there was nothing wrong with muggles. That the lies his mother told him weren’t true. He was superior to no one; magic or not._ _

__“They make the best,” Sirius sighed. “Fire whiskey is nice and all, but you’re not living until you try some muggle versions.”_ _

__“I’ll take a sip, maybe I can truly live then.”_ _

__“You knew what I meant.”_ _

__Regulus laughed to himself, relaxing further back into the cushions. Again, he wondered what the fabric felt like, if it was soft, or if it was more like the ones they had at home, hard scaly leather._ _

__“Are you going to stay?” Sirius asked. “Or should I say my goodbyes now?”_ _

__“I’m not sure yet,” Regulus answered honestly. He had planned to the end of his life, and now that he was dead- well he wasn’t quite sure where to go from here. Did he have all eternity? Would he fade away? Would he move on? “Maybe I’ll go haunt our house, rattle some chains and give mother a heart attack.”_ _

__“Wouldn’t that be the dream,” Sirius sighed. “That old bitch deserves it.”_ _

__“Maybe,” Regulus stared at the clock on the wall. It was a muggle one, looked expensive too. He wondered how Sirius got the money to buy it._ _

__“Just maybe?” Sirius asked. “Reg, you can’t still be glossing over what she did to us. She abused us.”_ _

__Abuse. Such a simple word for such a complicated concept. A word to explain years of pain and manipulation. A word to sum up everything his mother had ever done to him. A word to express the pain of watching his father turn away from him. Such a small, simple, meaningless word that is thrown around so often that Regulus can’t even comprehend the meaning anymore._ _

__Was what he went through abuse? Or simply the mad ravings of a woman obsessed with the failure of her line? Was his mother an abuser? Or simply just a woman who wanted the best for her children and her family? Was his father an abuser? Or simply a man who was never home?_ _

__It was such a large line to cut across, to jump to the side of declaring the abuse. And Regulus wasn’t quite sure hew as ready to bridge the gap._ _

__But he also couldn’t ignore everything his mother did to him. From the hazardous lessons she drilled into his mind, to the belief that he had to be the perfect son, the crippling fear he felt whenever he couldn’t live up to the image she created. From the hand snapping across his cheek, the spell cutting open his back, the unforgivable curses screamed at him._ _

__He had lived a life of fear, and he had let the fear turn him into something that he never wanted to be. Was that called abuse? Could he label that as abuse?_ _

__It felt like such an insignificant word to sum up the immense trauma him and his brother went through. There didn’t feel like a big enough word to properly describe it._ _

__“I think that mother had something wrong in the head,” He said carefully. “And she took it out on us.”_ _

__“And she was wrong for that,” Sirius egged him on. “Come on Reg, for once in your life, admit she was wrong.”_ _

__“Siri,” He sighed._ _

__“Do it.”_ _

__“Sirius.”_ _

__“Do it!”_ _

__“Fine! Merlin!” Regulus threw up his hands. “She was wrong.”_ _

__“Cool.”_ _

__“Cool?” Regulus asked. “That’s all you have to say?”_ _

__“Yeah, pretty much,” Sirius shrugged, a smirk on his lips. “Welcome to the light side dear brother.”_ _

__“That was my ticket in?” Regulus snorted. “Merlin.”_ _

__They sat in silence for a long moment before Regulus gained the courage to speak._ _

__“Did mom,” He started, his voice cutting off for a second. “Did she ever curse you?”_ _

__“All the time, you know that,” Sirius said easily._ _

__“No, I mean,” He sighed, lowering his voice. “The unforgivable ones.”_ _

__Sirius went silent for a long time, and Regulus worried that he hit a nerve. He didn’t take it back though._ _

__“Once,” Sirius whispered. “The night I left. That was the last straw for me.”_ _

__He turned to Regulus; his eyes somber._ _

__“Did she ever to you?”_ _

__“More than I could count,” Regulus whispered, and Sirius flinched back. “First time was a couple of weeks after you left. Then it became her go-to spell to control me. I was their last option, there was no back up plan after me. If I stepped even slightly out of line, well, drastic times call for drastic measures.”_ _

__“Merlin,” Sirius cursed. “I’m going to kill her.”_ _

__“Nonsense, you’ll get thrown in Azkaban. I’m dead now anyways, so what does it matter?”_ _

__“You’re my brother,” Sirius said fiercely. “That’s why it matters.”_ _

__Regulus swallowed, nodding and looking down at the ground._ _

__“Look at us,” Sirius laughed, shaking his head. “Some good ole brother bonding. Hating our parents, drinking, or at least I’m drinking, and let’s not forget some good teenaged rebellion.”_ _

__“You aren’t a teen,” Regulus pointed out._ _

__“You are.”_ _

__“Yeah, for the rest of eternity,” He said bitterly. The smile of Sirius’s face wobbled, falling off as Sirius avoided his eyes. “But hey, good to know that death was all it took for us to be proper siblings again.”_ _

__“Bit dramatic if you ask me,” Sirius snorted._ _

__“Blacks always are,” Regulus shrugged. “Although if anyone here is a drama queen it's you.”_ _

__“Rude.”_ _

__“It’s true!” Regulus protested. “You once got a papercut and told me you were dying.”_ _

__“I was!”_ _

__“I’m the only one in this family that’s dying dramatically thanks,” Regulus sniffed. “Don’t take that away from me.”_ _

__“I should have saved you,” Sirius blurted out._ _

__“What?” Regulus blinked. “Sirius.”_ _

__“I should have,” Sirius repeated. “You were just a kid. You’re still just a kid. Goddamn it Reggie, you’re eighteen years old. I should have been there for you. I should have saved you.”_ _

__“There was nothing you could have done,” Regulus said uneasily. “I was destined to die ever since I was fifteen years old. It was the only way for my story to end.”_ _

__“That’s a pretty shitty story,” Sirius said, staring at his hands. “I should have done something.”_ _

__“There was nothing you could have done.”_ _

__“How do you know that?”_ _

__“I’m dead,” Regulus shrugged. “That means I’m all knowing.”_ _

__“That is not what it means,” Sirius said, smiling a little despite himself. “At all.”_ _

__“That’s exactly what it means,” Regulus said, pretending to bump their shoulders together._ _

__“I still feel bad though,” Sirius continued. “You’re my little brother Reggie, and I couldn’t save you. I promised that I would always protect you and I just left you behind and you died over it.”_ _

__“How about a compromise then?” Regulus proposed. “You couldn’t save me from death, but help me find a way to move on, then you can forgive yourself for things that weren’t your fault. Deal?”_ _

__Sirius looked at him, eye brows furrowed before he sighed._ _

__“Deal.”_ _

_____________________________________________________________ _

__Regulus didn’t like being visible. People would stare at him, watching him with uncertain eyes like they were waiting for him to go off like a ticking time bomb. And half the time he wasn’t able to maintain the fragile illusion he created for himself, and the looks of terror every time it dropped and everyone could see him in his real state made something deep inside him ache._ _

__So most the time he stayed hidden, observing the world around him in near silence as everything around him moved._ _

__Weirdly enough, Sirius kept his promise. He started studying, which was bizarre on its own, and every now and then he would bounce ideas off of Regulus, even if he shot all of them down._ _

__Sirius was the only one he really felt comfortable around, which was something that had been true throughout the year, from when he was five years old to when he was eternally eighteen. Sirius never flinched when his illusion faded away, he never commented when sometimes Regulus got lost inside his own head, never judged when Regulus screamed and yelled in frustration and anger._ _

____________________________________________ _

__Sirius introduced him to all his friends, something that Regulus had to be visible for, as much as he didn’t want to be. Sirius forgiving him for everything he had done was one thing, he was his brother, and Sirius had always had a soft spot, despite his ability to hold grudges. But his friends, who had heard nothing but bad things about him, who knew him as a Death Eater and as a horrible brother, that was harder for him to trust._ _

__But they did nothing but smile at him, introduce themselves and say that they were glad to have him around._ _

__It shocked him, how even with everything they heard, they greeted him with kindness, with warmth._ _

__After that, they seemed to almost include him in their little group. Of course he was still an outsider, and not even visible half the time, but it was the small things that they did for him that made Regulus pause at the genuine kindness in the actions._ _

__Whenever both Remus and Regulus were in the library, the other man would lay a book out on the table, calmly reading and waiting for Regulus to tap the table once to symbolize that the page could be flipped. Small interactions with the living world were easier than becoming corporal and talking, so a simple tap worked. With Remus’s help he finally was able to read the books he never could when he was alive._ _

__James would tell him stories, loud and crass but funny. He would recount tales from their time in Hogwarts, their missions working with the Order, other small things. Sometimes James would talk about Quidditch, something that Regulus missed with a burning passion._ _

__He played seeker while in school, and many times he was told that if he wanted to, he could have had a carer in it, he could have made a living. But he never could, because if he even showed a slight interest in it he would have been disowned before he could blink._ _

__But James would talk about it, and Regulus found him nodding along, even if James couldn’t see it half the time._ _

__Lilly was almost always with Harry. Regulus learned quickly that Voldemort had tried to go after their son, something about him being the one to end him. Little did the Dark Lord know, that it was his vendetta against Harry Potter that caused Lilly to issue to final spell to end him while protecting her family._ _

__She taught him everything about keeping a child, taught him how to change a diaper, how to feed him, what it meant when he cried like that. She was nicer than he thought she would be, but she had this toughness around her, an aura that made sure no one would mess with her. And yet she held Harry so gently, talked to Regulus about meaningless gossip with an easy smile, and Regulus liked her, he really did._ _

__Slowly, he got used to being around the four of them, got used to the chaos they brought raining around them. They were nothing like anyone he was used to. Regulus could count the number of friends he had throughout his life on one hand, and not a single one of them were like the Marauders._ _

__All his friends were pureblooded Slytherins that he could tolerate, all sharing the same beliefs of his family, the beliefs he also held. But here he was now, around people who all seemed to genuinely love each other, who wanted to be around each other for reasons other than lifting their own social status._ _

__Despite his urgency to leave, to move on from being a miserable bystander in the passing of life, he found that he kind of liked it here._ _

____________________________________________________ _

__Sometimes he missed it, feeling, having any sense of touch or awareness. He hated the nothingness._ _

__He sat on the floor and he couldn’t feel the wood under him, he picked up a glass and felt nothing under his fingers. He took in a breath and he couldn’t feel the air around him._ _

__Everything was numb. There was no feeling to it, nothing but the overwhelming nothingness of death. Sometimes he tried everything he could to feel anything, to get back that sense of touch._ _

__He would punch himself, throw himself onto the floor, stick his hand over a flame, drop heavy objects onto himself. There was nothing. Nothing except the emptiness and nothingness swirling around him._ _

__Sometimes he screamed about it, sometimes he cried, something he did nothing except sit there and feel numb, like he was cut off from everything that made him real, that made him human._ _

__He wondered what crime of his this was punishment for._ _

____________________________________________ _

__“Did Sirius tell you about it yet?” James asked him one day during the rare times Regulus became visible to all of them. Not that anyone other than James and him were there._ _

__“No,” Regulus said, because Sirius didn’t tell him a lot of things. Nothing big came to mind. “What is it?”_ _

__“The ministry had started a research program,” James said casually. “Into the infirni, how to restore them back to peace.”_ _

__“Oh,” Regulus said carefully, trying to forget the fingers curling into his skin, dragging him into the water with their harsh jerks of dead limbs._ _

__“It was Sirius’s idea,” James continued. “As an attempt to help recover any bodies that had become victims to them. So that they could get all the remains back to their families where they belonged.”_ _

__Regulus wondered if anyone else had wandered into that cave after him. He guessed the Dark Lord went after they destroyed the locket, but other than that he guessed that there weren’t many bodies in that lake. Other than him and the infirni of course._ _

__“Do you think,” Regulus cut in. “That every body in that lake becomes an inferi? Or just the ones he enchanted?”_ _

__It wasn’t a question he had allowed himself to ask before that moment. The idea that his body was down there, still moving and alive, waiting for the next victim to drag down and kill, it made him sick. He heard James saying something, but it was all background noise in his head, overruled by the buzzing in his ear._ _

__Was his body currently still a slave to the man he died defecting from? Was he eternally caught and bound to a monster? The idea was horrifying._ _

__Maybe it was what he deserved. Most of those undead creatures were muggles the Dark Lord murdered, muggles not unlike the ones he also killed and tortured on command. Maybe this was the justice he deserved, to be lying at the bottom of a lake just like the rest of them, to show that in death they were equal. How no matter how high and mighty he had believed himself to be, he was nothing more than them, and in the end they were all enslaved in the darkness, waiting for their next kill._ _

__Or maybe it was to show that even in death he was nothing but a killer._ _

__“Reg?” James was saying, concern written all over his face. Regulus wondered how long he had been trying to get his attention. “You good there mate?”_ _

__Regulus faded from view. He didn’t think he would be able to tolerate this conversation anymore._ _

_________________________________________ _

__At least once every week, Sirius and him would sit down, just to talk about something that wasn’t their current hunt to determine how to get a spirit to move on. Most times it was sharing the few fond memories they had of childhood, sometimes it was about the things they got up to after their fight that year._ _

__Regulus shared some of the things he had done as a Death Eater, even with shame coloring his tone and the remorse weighing him down._ _

__Now that the anger he had made a home in had dissipated, he was left with the other feelings that made up his childhood, sorrow, fear, regret, emptiness. Sirius helped with that sometimes, making him smile and laugh and letting the bricks resting on his shoulders disappear if only for a few minutes._ _

__“You’re drinking again,” Regulus noted from where he sat on the table. Ever since he became a ghost, he started to try and break tiny bits of the lessons his mother beat into him, and the one that was the easiest was about how he sat. When he was with her it was always back straight, head up, feet firmly on the ground and hands completely still._ _

__Now, he had taken to sitting on literally any surface that was a chair, taking to sitting cross-legged and letting his hands fidget up and down his legs like he was doing now. It was hard, and sometimes he still expected his mom to come out and smack him until he sat properly, until he stopped moving and acting like a proper heir to the Black family name, but it never happened. Normally things like that caused him to have nervous breakdowns, and even having his outfit be slightly dirty would send him into hysterics. Slowly he was fixing that, even though he was dead._ _

__“That I am,” Sirius said, continuing to pour his drink. “Is that a problem?”_ _

__“You shouldn’t drink that much, it’s bad for you,” Regulus noted._ _

__“And you’ve never done anything bad in your life?” Sirius snapped. Regulus found himself flinching back before he could help it, his mind connecting the voice too easily to his Mothers._ _

__“That’s not what I meant and you know it,” Regulus said lowly._ _

__“I don’t need you harping on me Regulus, not right now,” Sirius said lowly. “You know that there’s a ton of shit going on.”_ _

__“And getting wasted is how you deal with it?” Regulus scoffed. “That’s not very healthy.”_ _

__“Well at least I didn’t self destruct the moment things got hard,” Sirius snapped. “At least I found a coping method that didn’t involve killing myself.”_ _

__“That’s not what I did,” Regulus said, standing up, his voice wobbling. He didn’t kill himself. It wasn’t like he was _suicidal_ or anything ridiculous like that. Sure, he had gotten himself killed, but it wasn’t like that. Sirius knew that. _ _

__“You’re telling me that there’s no way you could have gotten out of there?” Sirius challenged. “That there was no way for you to escape? You had Kreacher there with you, a house elf who would willingly die for you, who could have gotten you out of there. But you told him not to didn’t you? You ordered him to leave you cause deep down you wanted to die.”_ _

__“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Regulus said, turning his back to Sirius, curling his arms around himself. It was a comfort when he was younger, now, he couldn’t even feel the weight of his arms around himself. “You don’t know.”_ _

__“Then tell me,” Sirius challenged. “Why did you stay in that cave when you could have left?”_ _

__“He would have hunted me,” Regulus said. “I would have died a much more painful death if I left. He would have killed mom, dad, everyone I knew as a punishment.”_ _

__“He didn’t know what you did until we destroyed it. You could have gone back and pretended like everything was okay. Or you could have found me. We would have protected you. Or you could have hid. There were options.”_ _

__“I don’t want to talk about this,” Regulus said._ _

__“I think we need to,” Sirius challenged. “I think we have been putting this off for a long time.”_ _

__“I don’t want to talk about this,” Regulus repeated._ _

__‘Well you don’t get a choice,” Sirius snapped. “Because we need to.”_ _

__Regulus could have left, he knew that. He could fade and flee as easily as blinking an eye, could go back to his cabin, or maybe even go visit Kreacher, or maybe flee somewhere far away. And yet he stayed._ _

__“That night,” Sirius said softly. “You wanted to die. Admit that to me, to yourself. You didn’t want to leave that cave, why? Why Reg? That’s all I want to know.”_ _

__“What did I have to live for!” Regulus screamed, turning around and throwing out his hands. “What did I have Sirius? A Father who never paid me any mind? A mother who took every chance she could to hurt me? A brother who hated my guts? I had nothing to live for. No future past that day.”_ _

__“That’s not true Reg,” Sirius said softly, looking slightly apprehensive. Sirius had never learned how to deal with Regulus yelling, not like Regulus had learned to handle him. It was always Sirius who was mad as a kid, screaming and yelling and throwing accusations. Sirius’s anger burned red, while Regulus’s normally simmered white-hot deep below the surface._ _

__“Isn’t it?” Regulus continued. “And even if I did have a reason, a life beyond that, did I deserve it? I killed people Sirius, I tortured people, hurt them, and I enjoyed it. Because at least it wasn’t me on the floor in pain. I was horrible, a monster, and half the time I didn’t regret it. So tell me, did I deserve to live? Cause I’m pretty sure I deserved what I got.”_ _

__Sirius stared at him, his eyes studying him with a sadness that was way too old for someone as young as him._ _

__Regulus wanted to leave, he wanted to go, to move on and just stop feeling this way. He didn’t know death would be this complicated. He thought that it would be easier, that he could be released from the curse that had plagued him since he was a child._ _

__“Reg,” Sirius said gently, taking a step forward. Regulus’s chest was still heaving, even though he could feel no air being pulled into his lungs. “I think I figured it out._ _

__“Figured what out?” Regulus snapped._ _

__“Why you haven’t moved on.”_ _

__Regulus blinked, staring at Sirius and wondering what the hell he was going on about._ _

__“Ghosts stay because of unfinished business right?” Sirius said. “I thought that unfinished business had something to do with other people, but what if it isn’t about anyone else, but it’s about you?”_ _

__“What are you even talking about?” Regulus said, feeling slightly uncertain._ _

__“Regulus, I think you need to forgive yourself,” Sirius said gently._ _

__“What do you mean?” Regulus asked, confusion coloring his tone._ _

__“I forgive you,” Sirius declared. “Nothing you did was your fault. Well, some of it was, but I know you. And I know that you never wanted to hurt anyone, not really. And I forgive you for it. And you need to forgive yourself.”_ _

__“Forgive myself?” Regulus repeated. Sirius nodded at him. “I killed innocent people Sirius; I don’t think that could be forgiven.”_ _

__‘And yet here I am,” Sirius shrugged. “Forgiving you.”_ _

__“That’s not how it works.”_ _

__“Why not?” Sirius challenged. “This is you Regulus, not whatever monster you’ve convinced yourself that you are. You didn’t want to kill people, you only wanted to pain to stop. And one of the ways it did was when you listened, when you did what they said, when you hurt other people. You did horrible things, yes you did, but you are not a monster. You are not a killer. I forgive you.”_ _

__“Please stop,” Regulus felt, stepping away from Sirius. He was crying, even if he couldn’t truly feel the tears running down his cheek. The emotion was choking up inside of him, something deep inside cracking the more Sirius talked._ _

__He couldn’t forgive himself. He didn’t deserve forgiveness._ _

__“Remember that question you always asked? Is a monster born or made? I told you that it is dependent on the person. But I think both can be true,” Sirius said. “You were surrounded by an environment that lead you to be a monster. You had racist bullshit shoved into your head ever since you were born, and when you went to school you didn’t have any positive influences. Who were your friends again? Malfoy? Crouch? Snape? Bigots, horrible people. You were never surrounded by people who were capable of love.”_ _

__“Sirius,” Regulus protested._ _

__“And yet, when it came down to it, you broke free of that, you didn’t need any help in realizing what was right and what was wrong. You went against everything you were told and figured it out for yourself. You were raised to become a monster, and for a period you were, but in the end, you decided to break free from it. You became a better person.”_ _

__“That’s not what happened,” Regulus said. It wasn’t. He should have realized earlier, should have not been a sheep listening to everything around him._ _

__“But it is,” Sirius said firmly. “Reg, you are so much more than your actions. You are smart, brilliant really. Even Dumbledore was unable to figure out what made Voldy tick, and yet you come out of nowhere and solve it within what, a week? And then you were brave enough to risk your own life and steal from the most powerful wizard in the world. And you did it! All by yourself! Reg that’s amazing.”_ _

__“Anyone else would have done it,” Regulus grumbled, even though he knew it wasn’t true. Anyone else would have gotten out of there, even if it meant sacrificing the locket._ _

__“I wouldn’t have,” Sirius shrugged. “I’d be too scared.”_ _

__The idea was laughable, his big brave brother being afraid. Sirius was always the brave one of the two, brave enough to fight against their parents, brave enough to live the life he deserved._ _

__“You aren’t remembered as a monster Regulus,” Sirius continued. “No one here thinks you are. To the entire world you are a hero, the key to defeating Voldemort. If the entire world forgives you, why can’t you forgive yourself?”_ _

__Regulus was silent, curling further into himself as the tears continued to roll down his cheeks. He wasn’t sure how to reply, how to put into words the swirling hate he had forced deep down inside. How he can’t tell if that hate is aimed towards his family, Voldemort, or himself. He thinks it might be the last one._ _

__“I forgive you,” Sirius whispers. It hurts to hear. “You get that right? I forgive you.”_ _

__“You shouldn’t,” Regulus whimpers._ _

__“But I do,” Sirius says, voice firm and sure. “I forgive you.”_ _

__Regulus cried while he says it, his chest _aching_ and it hurts, and he wasn’t sure how to deal with hurt anymore, not after so long of feeling nothing. For the years he had been dead, he hadn’t felt a thing, not physical at least. And yet here he was, something deep in his chest hurting and spreading like fire. _ _

__But it didn’t feel like the pain his mother inflicted, it doesn’t feel like the pain he inflicted on others. It was a whole new category of pain. It was the pain of living, even though he pulled in no breath, even though his heart did not beat. It was the pain of healing a wound that had been festered for much too long._ _

__“I forgive you.”_ _

__Regulus had fallen to his knees, sobbing as Sirius repeated the words to him. His brother was in front of him, kneeling as well and they were both crying, although Regulus was sobbing with his entire body, heaving and grabbing at his chest as he cried. Sirius was silent, a soft smile on his lips as he stared at him._ _

__“I forgive you Regulus.”_ _

__Regulus sobbed. And as he cried he wondered if he could forgive himself. He wondered if that was the key to moving on, to leaving to find peace. He wondered if he even wanted to leave. He liked it here, but he wanted peace. He knew this wasn’t living, this was nothing but bleak existence. The longer he stayed, the worse it would get._ _

__And yet he wondered if he could find it inside himself to forgive himself for everything that he had done, all the pain he caused, all the people he hurt. He thinks back to his mother, screaming at him, casting Crucio, molding him into what she saw as the perfect son._ _

__He sat Sirius, sitting there in front of him but also as a kid, smiling full of trust, promising to always protect him. The only thing that Sirius couldn’t protect him from was himself. A monster born, but maybe also made. A monster that maybe was able to die a hero. And if not a hero, maybe just a man. Regulus had never wanted to be a hero._ _

__“We forgive you Reg,” Sirius whispered again._ _

__“I forgive you,” A new voice said, and as Regulus looked up through teary eyes, he saw James in front of him, a smile on the boys’ lips, his glasses askew on his face. He looks like he wants to cry._ _

__Regulus sobs again, the feeling in his chest intensifying._ _

__“I forgive you,” Remus says, his voice calm and even like it always did, a measure of intelligence, kindness shining through the words. He’s smiling, the scars on his face glinting in the low light. He was a monster too at one point, and yet Regulus could see him as nothing except the man before him._ _

__“I forgive you,” Lily whispers, her voice firm and fierce, her red hair glinting as she moved. She was always so sure of herself, always so confident in everything she did. She was confident while she said that as well._ _

__“It’s okay Reg,” Sirius tells him. “It’s going to be okay. We forgive you; I forgive you. Now just forgive yourself.”_ _

__Sirius reaches out, and Regulus was prepared for his hand to go through him like it always does, but instead, it lands on his shoulder, and Regulus can _feel_ him. He can feel the warmth of Sirius’s hand, the tight grip he has on his shoulder. _ _

__Sirius sobs before pulling him close, his arms circling him and for a second Regulus can barely process it, can barely process anything except the fact that Sirius is hugging him, holding him tightly, and he can feel it. Regulus circles his arms around Sirius, burying his head in Sirius’s neck._ _

__“I love you,” He whispered, his voice breaking as he sobbed. Sirius holds him tighter._ _

__“I love you too Reggie.”_ _

__And deep down inside, Regulus finds it inside himself to accept what happened, what he did._ _

__He did horrible things, there was no ignoring that, but he was here, he was loved, and he found it inside him to forgive himself for everything he had done._ _

__The feeling in his chest expanded, and Regulus sighed as the pain turned to warmth, and he basked in it for a second._ _

__Then everything faded away, and for the first time in Regulus’s life, he was at peace._ _

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed! Feel free to leave a comment, I love hearing your guys thoughts :)


End file.
